Pushing Through

When we went to see the GI Specialist back in August he said Maizy has reflux but since it didn't seem to be causing her pain, and she was still eating well and gaining weight well he didn't want to prescribe anything for it.  Over the past week or so it has gotten worse.  She is spitting up more often and more volume when she does.  She has also started having a hard time while nursing.  She is on and off and on and off and on and off the breast, crying fussing, arching her back, clearly miserable.  She's not the only one.  Often the only way I can get her to nurse is standing up with her straight up and down paralleling my body.  I hold onto her little bum sway back and forth and try and get her to latch on.  It's a circus for sure.  It's uncomfortable for me, and difficult, but the only way that Maizy will nurse for any length of time.  All weekend she was doing this, and Monday was even worse.  It was a struggle almost every feeding to get her to eat.

We are also still dealing with thrush, 6 weeks later.  At first I thought all of her fussiness at the breast was being caused by the thrush, but as I watched closer and noticed the back arching (they do this to lengthen the esophagus to try and find some relief) I thought maybe it wasn't the (only) cause.  I am still having symptoms from it and sick of thrush!

Maizy is still nursing every 2-3 hours during the day, typically 2 1/2 hours.  She is only going 3 hours between feedings at night.  I'm typically up feeding until 10ish and then up at 12, 3, and 6 where half the time I'm just up for the day.  I'm not sure the last time I slept in stretches longer then 2 1/2 hrs. I really think this is at least in part caused by the reflux.  She'll wake up and still seem tired, but can't go back to sleep.  She doesn't seem eager to nurse.  I think she's waking up because she's hurting.  I'm tired all the time and have a headache almost constantly to remind me of my fatigue. 
Also in researching her symptoms and causes of them it seems like I have over active let down.  Often she'll pull away when my milk lets down gagging and choking all the while my milk is spraying all over both of us.  Thankfully I was able to find some good tips on managing this.  But just one more thing to make breastfeeding a challenge.

Monday when Brent got home I told him I was so ready to just be done with breast feeding.  It's just too much, too hard.  I felt like I was on the verge of tears all night as I thought about how complicated something as simple as feeding my baby has become.  That night I nursed Maizy to sleep after an exhausting day and laid her down and collapsed into my bed.  The sweet baby that was asleep started fussing.  I pulled myself out of bed and pat her back trying to ease her back to sleep.  It was not working.  I was all the sudden just too overwhelmed to even care.  I went into the bathroom and tried to ignore my now screaming baby.  I brushed my teeth and started getting ready for bed.  Brent came up and asked if I was just going to let her cry it out?  I told him I didn't care, I just didn't even care.  He tried patting her back and I ended up saying just take her down stairs.  When they left the room and I finally made it to bed I just broke down and sobbed.  Not just crying, the kind of sobbing that shakes your whole body and you gasp for air.  I thought If I'm sobbing over breast feeding does that mean it's time to call it quits?  I finally cried myself out and fell asleep. 

The next morning I gave it some serious thought, is it time to call it quits?  I feel like to quit now would be such a injustice to us!  We're so close to testing Maizy to see if the diet is working for her allergies.  Next week!  She started a new med for her thrush which seems to be working a lot better.  I've upped the dosage for myself and I'm hoping that will help soon.  We went the pediatrician and got a Rx for the reflux which after one day started to help.  Less fussing during feedings and less spiting up.  And honestly that good cry helped.  I think I just had so much stress and pressure built up and needed to get it out.

So now the plan is just to keep on until next week and see how Maizy's little tummy is doing.  If it is doing better then we'll add something back. If she's not doing any better we'll just switch to formula.  That is a lot less sad to say now then it was 6 weeks ago.  Sure it will still be sad, but not nearly as sad after being on this diet for 6 weeks.  Either way life is getting at least a little easier next week.

I started out 6 weeks ago down the road to treat thrush and be on this diet and continue breast feeding thinking I was being super Mom.  Now I just feel a little crazy.  But I'll continue on in the craziness for at least another week and then we will go from there.  I have contacted our insurance to see if we can get the formula covered.  Even if we continue breastfeeding for a while longer I don't know that I'll be making it to a year like I did with Croix.  It will also help in decision making to know if insurance will cover it.  In the mean time I'm just thankful to be seeing an improvement in the thrush and reflux!

Allergy Update

We've been on the elimination diet for about a month now. (Wow it's been a long time since I posted). It is going well. I've seen an improvement in Maizy's temperament,  she's not as fussy and cholicy as she was. I haven't noticed an improvement in her stools, they are still mucusy. That was the most. visible way for me to know she was having issues. The nurse at the GI specialist said that she can still have mucusy stools and be healing. So I'm hoping it's working. Yet part of me is hoping it doesn't work. Then I can honesty say I tried everything I can and it still didn't work time to move on to formula. It would be so much easier. We both might be able to finally heal from thrush. (Yes a month later and we both still have it.) We could eat real food again. Go out to eat somewhere other than Chipoltle (not that I don't love me some Chipoltle). But then when I think that I feel guilty. Breast feeding is best and I should want to do what's best for my child. I try not to feel bad because I am doing what's best and that's all I can do. And really there is nothing wrong with wanting things to he easier.

I told Brent the other day if anyone had an aptitude for this diet it was me. I love fresh fruits and vegetables. I love to try new recipes. I already shopped at health food store. I was already familiar with grains other than wheat. Coming up with things to eat is not that hard. What is hard is that with all the restrictions we can't eat anything processed. Everything has to be cooked fresh. On busy stressful days there are no dairy, soy, wheat, eggs, nuts, seafood free food I can pull out of the freezer and have for an easy meal. Most days that is fine. But some days I just long for something easy.  On days when Croix has preschool and we don't get home until a little after 12, and Maizy needs to eat when we get home, and then I have to feed Croix I find myself not being able to get lunch for myself until 1:30.  By then I'm famished! And I would kill for a slice of pizza right about now. The other day I was thinking about what the first thing I would eat after I wean Maizy would be. My mouth was literally watering and my tummy rumbling as I dreamed of things I can't eat.

Good thing I know this won't last forever.

I'm just going to throw it in the post that I'm tired of thrush.  I hurts.  Not all the time and not horribly but it hurts.  And I'm sure Maizy hurts too.  She fusses at the breast often.  She'll latch on and come off over and over just crying and fussing.  I'm sure because her mouth hurts.  Thrush sucks!

Feelin' The Love

Yesterday while driving to Grandma's house Croix said, "Mommy, Daddy you hold each others hands" I said "OK Croix I love to hold Daddy's hand." Then he said "Now I hold Maizy's hand." He reached over and was holding onto her car seat cover. It was the sweetest thing. I love him so much! I love that he is so sweet and affectionate.  He just melts my heart!

Say What Vol. 1

I've decided Croix says funny things all the time that I'd love to reread in 30 years.  But most of them are not significant enough to justify an entire post for one sentence.  So every month I'll do a "Say What" post.  I'll just add the funny things he says, as he says them and post it at the end of the month.


I left Croix alone (always a risky move) in the bathroom to do his business. I go back in to check on him and my bathroom floor is lined with panty liners. He says "Look what I did Mommy! Choo Choo tracks!" The joys of a 3 year old.


 There was really loud thunder and Croix says "ooh scary funder (thunder)" just as calm as can be. He's not phased by it at all!


Croix and Seth were playing red-light green-light and Croix shouts out "BLUE LIGHT!" haha (:


 I told Croix he needed to go the bathroom and wash up after breakfast. He says "I can eat it off" and starts licking himself. Male mentality for ya.


 Ha! Croix says "my road broke Mommy can you fix it?" I say "I don't know buddy" then he sings "Bob the builder can Mommy fix it? Yes you can!" Hahaha!

He called stake sauce snake sauce. And asked to have snake again, meaning stake.

He says, When I'm a grown up I'll.....all the time.  Usually it's something we just told him he can't do that ends that sentence.

"Maizy is little.  What month was I little?"

At the swap meet walking past the concession stand.  Croix: "Let's eat here."  Brent: "no."   Croix: "But there's plenty of seating."

Sitting with Brent, "excuse me I'm going to go play with my cars now."

Croix struggles sometimes to get dressed by himself.  He finds every excuse not to get dressed.  The other day he was refusing to put on his underwear.  After about an hour I said, "if you don't put on your underwear, I'm going to spank your bare bottom!"  To that he tearfully said, "but I'm not a bear!"

 Me: Croix! Don't throw your food!
Croix: Mommy it's just peanut butter.
Well then by all means please throw it all over the house my dear boy! Throw away!

Whenever I play pat a cake with Maizy I say  "Pat a cake, pat a cake bakers man.  Bake me a cake as fast as you can.  Roll it and roll it and mark it with an M and toss it in the oven for Maizy and Mom" Then Croix says "......and Croix"


Brent's sister Heather got married on a Saturday.  We were over at Brent's Mom's on Sunday and Heather and Lucas were there.  Croix saw the back yard was all cleaned up from the reception (which was at Brent's Mom's) and says "Heather it's not your birthday party any more."

 Croix was over by Maizy laughing away. I looked and he looked fine so I figured she was making funny faces. Then he comes over and says mommy I give Maizy sprinkles. He had taken his letter C that he made in preschool that was covered in sprinkles and gotten a ton of sparkles from it on her face! Poor baby.

 Croix was coming down the stairs and the light was off. I heard him hurry it up and when he got to me he says "Mommy I was frightened "  ha! I love his growing vocabulary!

Brent and Croix were driving in the car.  Croix started spitting.  Brent told him to stop and asked him if he wanted to play a game.  Croix says ummmmm, yes!  The snow storm game. Brent says ok how do you play the snow storm game.  Croix starts spitting again.

I put an ice cube in Croix's mac and cheese to help it cool down.  As I'm stirring it is disappearing.  Croix asked, "Mommy are you making magic?"

 We were at Brent's Mom's and Croix says "Grandma I need a chuck up bowl"  We quickly grabbed a bowl and he threw up in it.

Happy Birthday Brent!

We celebrated Brent's 33 birthday. Getting to be such an old man! I managed to make a wheat, egg, soy, dairy free cake. It even had a topping. I wouldn't call it frosting because it was not frosting but it topped our cake and tasted yummy. I love this man so much! Glad we get to have him in our lives for one more year!

Finding My Feet

 I wrote this 9/16/12  I lost my feet again shortly after this, I feel a little like I'm finding them again.  Sounds like I need a couple more posts to catch up!

I feel like I'm finally starting to get my feet under me as a mother of two.  Don't know that I would say that I've got all figured out quite yet but we're getting there.  I'm getting more rest (still not enough) and getting back to the essentials of laundry, dishes etc.  I'm finding it easier to be kind and loving and gentle with Croix.  Easier to take care of Maizy and Croix.  I think preschool has definitely helped.  It's so nice to have a couple hours a couple days a week to recharge.  He also loves it so it's good for both of us.  I still haven't gotten grocery shopping down!  When I take them both I end up wanting to cry by time I get home.  Seems like Maizy always ends up crying.  Croix is a nightmare.  He really is horrible.  And by time we get home I'm a stressed out mess.  I think I just need to plan on going when Brent is home in the evening.  Even that is a little tricky with Maizy still eating so often.  But we haven't starved so not doing too bad!  I'm sure in another month we'll be doing a little better still. 

Monsoon Love

Oh how we've loved the rain!  We woke up to the loudest thunder ever two days ago.  Croix was still sleeping, at nearly 8, a miracle.  I sat in my bed nursing Maizy quietly enjoying the moment with my sweet babe and the sounds of the storm.  Croix woke up just as I was finishing up feeding Maizy.  He went to the window to check out the storm.  The moment was perfect.  I grabbed my camera and sat back and captured their sweetness.


"Mommy look at all the funder!"


"Wow, did you hear that?!?"


"Awww Maizy I sure do love you"


A loud thunder......"You ok baby".  So sweet how he's holding her hand.






There are so many things I want to critique about these pictures, I didn't have the right lens, it was way too dark and so the images are grainy and a little out of focus, my room is so messy.  But oh how I love them.  The moment is so perfect.  The emotion is so raw.  They pull at my heart stings.



It was still raining later in the day and I sent Croix out in it even with a cold.  (Sent Croix out...AKA finally let him go out there after all his begging and pleading)  I'm sure I'll win mother of the year for that one......Croix sure thought I was mother of the year!

Ouch too many rocks

He was drinking the rain water!  So gross!

He absolutely loved it!  thought he was too clever.

He was dancing in circles in the puddle.

Go out with me Mommy

When he came in I immediately dried him off wrapped him in a blanket and gave him hot coco to warm him up.  Yeah I'm pretty sure he thought I was Mom of the year!

Queen Creek Olive Mill

Yesterday the weather was fantastic.  It was in the 80's and cloudy a few sprinkles here and there.  We decided to head out to the Queen Creek Olive Mill.  With our new allergy free diet I wanted some fun olive oil to replace our butter, mayo etc.  So we picked up bacon and vanilla flavored olive oils.  Can't wait to try them.  We weren't planning on staying for lunch but Maizy woke up and needed fed and it was lunch time so we ate lunch there.  Croix love, love, loved running around through all the trees.  There were some train tracks and he thought it was so fun to walk on them.  He wanted to be a big boy and not hold my hand while walking on them, so instead  he held my bum most of the time to help him keep his balance.  So independent my little man.

Maizy enjoyed the breeze

Croix showing Daddy his "pickle"  aka olive.

He went to get some more water and walked back oh so carefully!

His shoes were quickly abandoned.

"Pickle"

Maizy was so happy I couldn't resist lovin' on her.

Croix promptly joined in, he loves his sister!

I sure love him!

>

Croix and his cheesy faces.  You know what the say, if you can't be 'em join

The sky was amazing!  Truly breath taking!

Maizy pretty much hates riding in the car.  She will do ok if I ride back there with her.  It's a good think I'm tiny!  I barely, barely fit!

All tuckered out

Croix and I were bored on the way home, so we made silly faces.

Surprised!

My favorite!

Angry

Tired

That afternoon we went to the park with some friends.  Our children ran and played.  We enjoyed the beautiful out doors.  It makes me long for the days when we can go to the park again.  Thank goodness they are just around the corner!  already the highs are only in the low 100s!  You better believe we'll be outside everyday once that thermometer stays at 100 or lower!!  Come on fall we're waiting for you!

Lucky Number Seven

I've heard of the seven year itch.  No itching going on here.  We are still so in love!  Still love spending time together and being together.  Still learning more about each other.  We are quite comfortable with each other, a little too much at times.  We are learning from each other.  We are growing together.

It been a wonderful seven years.  Who knows what the future holds for us?  I sure don't, but I do know what ever is in store for us we'll be side by side through it all!

Natural History Musuem

When my family was in town we were trying to figure out what to do that was indoors, affordable and something we all (grownups and children) could enjoy.  It was a stroke of genius that I remembered the downtown mesa museums were free that day, so we headed over the the "dinosaur museum".  We called to confirm it was their free day about and hour and 10 minutes before they closed.  So we all quickly got dress (yes dressed at 3:50 in the afternoon) and loaded up and hurried over.

Seth Loved it!

Seth and Croix showing me their scary dinosaur faces.

Travis and Stef

Chelsea and Croix

Everyone watching the flash flood.

The whole family, well minus the two brothers, a sister in law, my sister and brother in law and nephew.  The whole family that was there :)

(Random boy, Grandma, Seth, Trenton, Travis, Chelsea, Croix, Brent, Stef, more random people)

Croix thought it was too loud.

Checking out the gila monster

Roar!

Locking Croix in jail

Seth imprisoned

It was lots of fun, so glad I remembered it was their free day!