Cheesy smiles!
Big boy in a little bowl.
Two kids in a baby bath.
Of course he ended up naked.
I think we'll end up hanging out like this a lot. How many times have I said that I love having a back yard and a patio!
Friday, May 17, 2013
Back Yard Splash Pad
A while ago I did a little dumpster diving. Not exactly. I drove past a pool cover on top of someone's garbage. I thought it would be perfect for our patio during the summer under a pool. Turns out I was right! It is perfect! We were pretty bored yesterday afternoon. So we took a milk jug with some holes. A bunch of kitchen utensils, bowls and other things, I also brought out my baby bath and filled it up. Who needs a pool!
Thursday, May 16, 2013
PPD
PPD is also known as Postpartum Depression. It is something I'm becoming all
too familiar with, unfortunately. This post has taken me a long time to write.
It has taken me a long time to get the courage to write, and a long time to
figure out how to put into words this silent affliction. I hate this post. And
all too often I find I hate myself.
Did you know anger is a symptom of depression? I didn't until about five months ago. I didn't even think about that, even though I had been so angry for months. It wasn't until after I thought "Man wouldn't it be nice if the world really did end at the end of 2012!?! Then I wouldn't have to deal with everything anymore" that I thought maybe I was depressed. That thought passed through my mind as I sat in my rocker feeding Maizy. That was the first time I really let myself think that I might have PPD. I think I knew long before that, but for some reason I was in denial. After all, three different health care professionals had already asked me if I thought I had PPD. Every time I said no, I'm just tired, or stressed. But I the back of my mind I though, yeah probably. Why in the far reaches of my mind I thought yes, but no followed by an excuse came out of my mouth is beyond me. I wish I'd said yes the very first time someone asked me, when Maizy was only 6 weeks old. Instead I suffered, and my family suffered for four more months.
Even after I thought about how everything would be easier if everything ended I still did not fully admit to myself that I was depressed. It took a week of that thought itching in my mind for me to consult good old Dr. Google. As I typed in the search bar "is anger a symptom of..." it guess bipolar disorder. My heart about stopped. My Dad is bipolar. I was terrified. Part of me wanted to click on that, but I was too scared and I continued typing depression. I was amazed to find out that anger IS a symptom of depression. I thought about my childhood with a father who has a mental disorder. I thought about my children. I called my OBGYN and made an appointment for the next day.
After a few days I worked up the courage to Google bipolar disorder. The relief was palpable as only symptom of bipolar I seemed to have was anger. I do know mental disorder is no more my fault then the fact I had gestational diabetes, or how others have heart problems. And in that sense there is no difference between bipolar and depression. But I do think managing bipolar would be more difficult then depression. It is also more of a life long battle where as depression can be worked through and over come. It made me thankful to "just have" depression.
I've experienced depression before, at 18 after I moved out, escaped the abuse. I sought help with a councilor and my bishop. The atonement is real and healed my broken heart and spirit. After I weaned Croix I had a bit of depression. Exercise, eating right and doing good things for myself kicked it pretty efficiently. Neither of those times had I been angry. The intensity of my anger scared me. I am not exaggerating when I say everything Brent did or did not do made me angry. I was angry with the kids all the time. How and why I was angry with my newborn, my infant is beyond me but I was. There were moments I just wanted to throw her across the room. And my sweet Croix I literally pictured beating him. And then I hated myself. I prayed he would not remember when I turned into a monster. I prayed and still do pray that those six months of unmediated depression have not scared him for life. Have not put a scratch in his trust for me. I felt nothing but anger all the time. I was angry with everyone, especially myself.
As I was thinking about my upcoming Doctors appointment I wanted to talk to someone who had experienced PPD and gotten on medication for it. I could only think of one person I knew for sure had. Another friend I though probably had and felt comfortable enough asking her. She had. Two people that's it. I was grateful I was not completely alone but of all my friends in the world I could only think of two people who had been on antidepressants. Not that I'm saying the whole world should be on anti depressants but I wondered if there really were only that few people that I knew.
As I sat and told the doctor about my depression, got a prescription and left I did not feel hopeful. I did not feel relief. I thought I would have, but I did not.
Christmas Eve I took my first little blue pill. I laughed that it really was a little blue pill. It took a while, a couple weeks before I felt like I started to notice a difference. About six weeks before I started to feel a little more like myself.
I felt, and at times still feel so alone. When I was depressed after Croix I turned to Brent, and found the love and support I needed. It's hard to turn to someone for love and support when you are constantly mad at them. I felt ashamed of my feelings of anger which makes it hard to turn to friends. The shame led to more self hate. It's very easy for me to have negative, self defeating self talk. That's what I grew up with inside my head so it's familiar and easy to go there again. I worked very hard years ago to overcome those thought cycles and successfully built a good sense of self esteem and self worth. I gradually came to love myself as an invaluable daughter of Heavenly Parents. I became a confidant, happy, outgoing woman. Depression has taken those attributes away from me. I no longer feel like the person I was. I miss the person I was. I miss the mother I was, the wife, the friend. I miss me. After talking to a good friend with depression I have come to realize that is a blessing. At least I know what it's like to be happy, and normal. Some people don't have that to remember who they are, not who the disease is, the depression.
I'm so thankful for my Wellness Challenge. There are days I feel like it's the only thing helping me keep my head above water. Being "forced" to do things that are good for me and helpful in fighting depressing is just what I needed. Reading my scriptures, exercising, eating right, doing things for myself.
I don't think my depression is circumstantial, meaning I don't think if Brent were nicer, my kids were better behaved, my house was bigger, we had more money, if something in my life were different I wouldn't be depressed. My life is wonderful! I love my life. I really feel it is entirely caused by hormonal and chemical imbalances. After being on antidepressants four months and still not feeling like myself I decided that although my depression is not circumstantial perhaps I would do what the doctor suggested and talk to a councilor as well. I'm hopeful that will help. Although I do not feel this over whelming anger any more I still find myself unjustifiably angry. I still feel completely overwhelmed. I still have days I hate myself and feel like a failure. I still feel sad. I'm not one to sit around and wallow in my misery. I'm a doer, I'm proactive. I'll do whatever it takes to find myself again. I think at this point the hard part is going to be being patient with myself knowing that depressing, hormonal, chemical depression is not always something you can just fix. I just have to wait for my body to find homeostasis again. It will. I will feel like myself again. It just the in between time that's going to be hard. Thankfully I'm not alone, I have Brent, and my Savior, and some good friends.
Did you know anger is a symptom of depression? I didn't until about five months ago. I didn't even think about that, even though I had been so angry for months. It wasn't until after I thought "Man wouldn't it be nice if the world really did end at the end of 2012!?! Then I wouldn't have to deal with everything anymore" that I thought maybe I was depressed. That thought passed through my mind as I sat in my rocker feeding Maizy. That was the first time I really let myself think that I might have PPD. I think I knew long before that, but for some reason I was in denial. After all, three different health care professionals had already asked me if I thought I had PPD. Every time I said no, I'm just tired, or stressed. But I the back of my mind I though, yeah probably. Why in the far reaches of my mind I thought yes, but no followed by an excuse came out of my mouth is beyond me. I wish I'd said yes the very first time someone asked me, when Maizy was only 6 weeks old. Instead I suffered, and my family suffered for four more months.
Even after I thought about how everything would be easier if everything ended I still did not fully admit to myself that I was depressed. It took a week of that thought itching in my mind for me to consult good old Dr. Google. As I typed in the search bar "is anger a symptom of..." it guess bipolar disorder. My heart about stopped. My Dad is bipolar. I was terrified. Part of me wanted to click on that, but I was too scared and I continued typing depression. I was amazed to find out that anger IS a symptom of depression. I thought about my childhood with a father who has a mental disorder. I thought about my children. I called my OBGYN and made an appointment for the next day.
After a few days I worked up the courage to Google bipolar disorder. The relief was palpable as only symptom of bipolar I seemed to have was anger. I do know mental disorder is no more my fault then the fact I had gestational diabetes, or how others have heart problems. And in that sense there is no difference between bipolar and depression. But I do think managing bipolar would be more difficult then depression. It is also more of a life long battle where as depression can be worked through and over come. It made me thankful to "just have" depression.
I've experienced depression before, at 18 after I moved out, escaped the abuse. I sought help with a councilor and my bishop. The atonement is real and healed my broken heart and spirit. After I weaned Croix I had a bit of depression. Exercise, eating right and doing good things for myself kicked it pretty efficiently. Neither of those times had I been angry. The intensity of my anger scared me. I am not exaggerating when I say everything Brent did or did not do made me angry. I was angry with the kids all the time. How and why I was angry with my newborn, my infant is beyond me but I was. There were moments I just wanted to throw her across the room. And my sweet Croix I literally pictured beating him. And then I hated myself. I prayed he would not remember when I turned into a monster. I prayed and still do pray that those six months of unmediated depression have not scared him for life. Have not put a scratch in his trust for me. I felt nothing but anger all the time. I was angry with everyone, especially myself.
As I was thinking about my upcoming Doctors appointment I wanted to talk to someone who had experienced PPD and gotten on medication for it. I could only think of one person I knew for sure had. Another friend I though probably had and felt comfortable enough asking her. She had. Two people that's it. I was grateful I was not completely alone but of all my friends in the world I could only think of two people who had been on antidepressants. Not that I'm saying the whole world should be on anti depressants but I wondered if there really were only that few people that I knew.
As I sat and told the doctor about my depression, got a prescription and left I did not feel hopeful. I did not feel relief. I thought I would have, but I did not.
Christmas Eve I took my first little blue pill. I laughed that it really was a little blue pill. It took a while, a couple weeks before I felt like I started to notice a difference. About six weeks before I started to feel a little more like myself.
I felt, and at times still feel so alone. When I was depressed after Croix I turned to Brent, and found the love and support I needed. It's hard to turn to someone for love and support when you are constantly mad at them. I felt ashamed of my feelings of anger which makes it hard to turn to friends. The shame led to more self hate. It's very easy for me to have negative, self defeating self talk. That's what I grew up with inside my head so it's familiar and easy to go there again. I worked very hard years ago to overcome those thought cycles and successfully built a good sense of self esteem and self worth. I gradually came to love myself as an invaluable daughter of Heavenly Parents. I became a confidant, happy, outgoing woman. Depression has taken those attributes away from me. I no longer feel like the person I was. I miss the person I was. I miss the mother I was, the wife, the friend. I miss me. After talking to a good friend with depression I have come to realize that is a blessing. At least I know what it's like to be happy, and normal. Some people don't have that to remember who they are, not who the disease is, the depression.
I'm so thankful for my Wellness Challenge. There are days I feel like it's the only thing helping me keep my head above water. Being "forced" to do things that are good for me and helpful in fighting depressing is just what I needed. Reading my scriptures, exercising, eating right, doing things for myself.
I don't think my depression is circumstantial, meaning I don't think if Brent were nicer, my kids were better behaved, my house was bigger, we had more money, if something in my life were different I wouldn't be depressed. My life is wonderful! I love my life. I really feel it is entirely caused by hormonal and chemical imbalances. After being on antidepressants four months and still not feeling like myself I decided that although my depression is not circumstantial perhaps I would do what the doctor suggested and talk to a councilor as well. I'm hopeful that will help. Although I do not feel this over whelming anger any more I still find myself unjustifiably angry. I still feel completely overwhelmed. I still have days I hate myself and feel like a failure. I still feel sad. I'm not one to sit around and wallow in my misery. I'm a doer, I'm proactive. I'll do whatever it takes to find myself again. I think at this point the hard part is going to be being patient with myself knowing that depressing, hormonal, chemical depression is not always something you can just fix. I just have to wait for my body to find homeostasis again. It will. I will feel like myself again. It just the in between time that's going to be hard. Thankfully I'm not alone, I have Brent, and my Savior, and some good friends.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Preschool Graduation
Croix's preschool graduation was today. I said some prayers and they were answered! I was deferentially not feeling well, but I made it through with only dashing to the bathroom once! I wasn't about to miss this because of a stomach bug! I don't think Croix really understands what graduating means. I'm pretty sure he'll be asking to go to preschool on Thursday. I'll have to be more diligent about teaching him things again. I've slacked off since he's been in preschool and let Miss Chelsea take over the teaching! Miss Chelsea has been a wonderful teacher! Croix has learned lots and loves her so much. He's made great friends that I'm sure he will miss.
We sure are proud of our little man! He's such a joy and so smart too! Below is a video of him receiving his diploma.
I love his little smile here as they are all getting lined up
Graduating class of 2013! Ha!
Singing a song. Actually he just stood there while everyone else sang the songs.
Getting his deploma
barefoot!
Thank you Miss Chelsesa
After they enjoyed ice cream sundays
Croix really enjoyed his!
Maizy made a new friend, the swapped things to chew on.
He was the last one to enjoy it! Miss Chelsea said he was the same way with snacks, the last one to leave the table and eats every crumb....promise I feed my child!
Our cute little family
Gino's Pizza for lunch to celebrate, Croix's choice. I enjoyed a cup of water since I'm not feeling well
Maizy enjoyed some Kix
Giant slice is as big as his head!
We sure are proud of our little man! He's such a joy and so smart too! Below is a video of him receiving his diploma.
Mother's Day
This was the best Mother's Day we've had yet! I sent Brent a blog post with detailed instructions for breakfast. He followed them to a T and it was amazing! Seriously the best breakfast I've ever had! Honest! I also got to enjoy this fabulous breakfast after sleeping in! Croix must have known it was Mother's day, he slept until 8! Amazing!
After breakfast Croix comes running over with a box and says...."Happy Present!!" It was adorable! Inside was the beautiful necklace.
It's not the best picture but ti's the best I've got! It has black and white diamonds. Brent did good.
After sacrament meeting we got a full size cadbury candy bar with a quote that says
I came home from church after sacrament so Maizy could get a nap. And I took a nap too! I slept in and took a nap! Best mother's day ever!
Brent''s Mom, Heather and Lucas came over for dinner.
We grilled and had asparagus, carrots. funeral potatoes. It was delish! After dinner we enjoyed eclare cake that Heather made. And played Apples to Apples. I also had sugar all day long! I've felt sick ever since. But I'm pretty sure at this point it's not just from the sugar.
I'm so thankful for Brent, who really went above and beyond making this a truly special day for me! I'm thankful to him for making me a Mom! He really his the best guy there is around!
After breakfast Croix comes running over with a box and says...."Happy Present!!" It was adorable! Inside was the beautiful necklace.
It's not the best picture but ti's the best I've got! It has black and white diamonds. Brent did good.
After sacrament meeting we got a full size cadbury candy bar with a quote that says
"One cannot fogret Mother and remember God.
One cannot remember Mother and forget God.
Why? Because these two sacred persons,
God and Mother, partners in creation, love. sacrifice, service, are as one."
Thomas S. Monson
I love this quote! It's on my fridge now. Such a great reminder of the beautiful work I'm doing.
I came home from church after sacrament so Maizy could get a nap. And I took a nap too! I slept in and took a nap! Best mother's day ever!
Brent''s Mom, Heather and Lucas came over for dinner.
We grilled and had asparagus, carrots. funeral potatoes. It was delish! After dinner we enjoyed eclare cake that Heather made. And played Apples to Apples. I also had sugar all day long! I've felt sick ever since. But I'm pretty sure at this point it's not just from the sugar.
I love these two so much! I'm so thankful to be their Mommy.
I'm so thankful for Brent, who really went above and beyond making this a truly special day for me! I'm thankful to him for making me a Mom! He really his the best guy there is around!
Monday, May 13, 2013
Sick
I'm so sick. Thankful it didn't hit too hard until Brent came home. Croix's preschool graduation is tomorrow. I BETTER be feeling better!
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Chance's Birthday
We went to Chance's 3rd birthday party today. It was at the Tempe town lake splash pad. We'd never been there before. It was pretty awesome. We'll definitely have to go again. The kids had lots of fun. This morning I worked on two clients. I'm so tired! Croix has been waking up way too early! And it's almost 9 and he's still awake. I don't know what to do with this kid! He used to be the best sleeper. At least Maizy seems to taken his place as excellent sleeper. I think I may be asleep before Croix because I'm going to bed now!
Friday, May 10, 2013
Pre Mother's Day Celebrations
Today I picked up Croix
from preschool and he had this adorable gift for me for mothers day.
It
looks like chocolate covered marshmallows so I'll have to wait until
Sunday to eat it when I take a free day. He also had a paper with
questions he had answered about me.
Number one is my favorite.
What does Mommy say to you all the time? Don't break down the house.
I laughed as I tried to
recall a single time I've ever said that. But not even 10 minutes
after we got home I decided maybe I should start saying that to him more
often because he did this!
Sheesh! This kid I tell ya. Thankfully it
was an easy fix.
During lunch Maizy ended up with a green bean stuck to her face. Too cute!
This evening we used
one of our babysitting coupons from the ward auction. (Don't think I
ever posted about that! Our ward had a. Valentine's day party that was
an auction . You earned your "money" there. We got Toy Story 3 on DVD,
and coupons for babysitting for four nights courtesy of Rock N Roll {her
real name I promise} The babysitting was the 2nd highest priced item of
the night at just over $400! We pooled out money with Chad and Heather
Jensen. They have one kid so we've coordinated so we all go out on the
same night. Its been fantastic!) We went to dinner at the Gecko Grill
which recently reopened. Yay! So yummy. When we pulled out of the garage
we had no idea where we were going. So we flipped a coin to decide
which city, what type of food, which restaurant. I'm glad the coin took
us to Gecko!
Also I had been picturing sitting next to Brent in a booth.
I forgot to ask for a booth when they were seating us but they still
took us to
one. Law of attraction! After dinner we went to a couple stores. We
were back by 8. We had contemplated seeing a movie but everything
started too late or sounded too lame. It was a really nice night. So
wonderful to have a little break together.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Canyon Lake
My friend Heather invited us to go to Canyon Lake for lunch. It was awesome. The weather was perfect. The water was nice and warm, the friends and company were delightful. Our friends Heather and Chance invited us. I invited Ali and her kids. My Mom and Chelsea were in town so they came too.
When he came up to us on the blanket I asked him if he wanted to snuggle up with me in a nice dry towel and he said no he just wanted to stay a the lake longer. I told him we needed to go home so Maizy could take a nap and his response "I know! I have a great idea. Maizy can just take a nap right here on the carpet" He was referring to the blanket. He's a cute boy.
I love him.
On the drive home Croix and Chance were playing with the sun hats.
It was the perfect little day trip and we will definitely have to do it again!
Chance, Brody and Croix has so much fun together. Chance and Brody are almost the exact same age. At first Croix wouldn't even go near the water, he just played with the sand.
Then he put his feet in.
Then a little of his legs
and before we knew it he was swimming around.
He had to tell us how fun it was
He had a blast with his little buddies.
At first Maizy wanted nothing to do with the water
First one foot, and then two
Then she wanted to sit down
But decided she didn't like that
We tried again a little later, still got the same splits then one foot result
Aunt Chelsea had some fun too
There was some frisbee throwing.
And a very happy little boy
We all enjoyed some watermellon, but Maizy loved it!
When he came up to us on the blanket I asked him if he wanted to snuggle up with me in a nice dry towel and he said no he just wanted to stay a the lake longer. I told him we needed to go home so Maizy could take a nap and his response "I know! I have a great idea. Maizy can just take a nap right here on the carpet" He was referring to the blanket. He's a cute boy.
I love him.
On the drive home Croix and Chance were playing with the sun hats.
It was the perfect little day trip and we will definitely have to do it again!
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