Monday, June 27, 2011

LIfe's Not Fair

Life’s not fair, we all know that. I think knowing that can make the moments of disappointment a little easier. Only a little easier though.

My sister is pregnant. I’m so happy for her and her husband. Not only am I happy for them that they are expecting but I’m happy that my sister doesn’t have fertility issues. She got pregnant her very first month of being married. Very first month. Not even really trying. I heard this happy news the same week I was going in to the lab and getting blood drawn to test hormone levels and if everything is normal….trying to find out why after 10 months of trying I'm still not pregnant. I hate that because of my infertility I can’t be completely happy for my sister. Instead of just happiness for her I also feel sadness for me, jealousy, and a little bit of anger that they didn’t even have to try. Then I feel guilty, why can’t I just be happy for them?

Life’s not fair.

This past week my nephew was here visiting. It was so great to have him here! Croix loved having him here! Despite my best efforts I could not stop myself from thinking how my brother and his then girlfriend got pregnant with Seth when we first started ttc. Watching Seth and Croix play and laugh together just made my heart a little heavy. That was my plan. Having Seth here was a glimpse of what I’d thought our life would be. Where I thought we would be in our life right now, two kids, playing together in absolute delight. It made it so much harder when Seth left that Croix just cried, and for days has been asking for Seth. Every morning and after every nap Croix wakes up saying Seth, Seth, Seth all through out the day, he ask for him. It breaks my heart. The longer we ttc the more it seems like Croix just needs a buddy. At this point I don’t even want to get pregnant for me, for the experience and joy of carrying a child, but for Croix, so he won’t have to be an only child. I just hope it happens before Croix is old enough to start asking for a sibling. Instead he has a cousin, conceived by a teenager, out of wedlock, who is a horrible mother. That same girl is now pregnant with her 4th child. Seth has yet to celebrate his 4th birthday. His Mother, after marrying and subsequently divorcing my brother married a drug dealer who is abusive. It’s just not fair that she, and immature, young, irresponsible, girl who is neglectful to her children to the point of bordering abuse continues to get pregnant while we, a stable loving couple who provide a loving secure environment struggle.

Life’s not fair.

Knowing life’s not fair makes it a bit easier. It takes away the desire for an explanation. That’s all the explanation I need, it’s just the way life is. We all have struggles, we all have things we experience that cause us pain, and anguish. That’s part of our existence on this earth, to learn and grow. I’ve found that my prayers are different this time around then they were when we were ttc with Croix. Rather than just pleading to get pregnant (although I do still do that) I also pray for strength and comfort to accept the Lord’s will for my life rather than just endure. I ask for peace in my trial, so that when I feel angry that it’s not me who’s pregnant, it’s my ex-sister in law for the 4th time, I can let that anger go and continue to have joy and happiness in my life. I pray trying to express gratitude for the multitude of blessings I DO have. I pray for help in not feeling guilty, when I hear that my sister is pregnant and I’m jealous, or that I feel so sad that it’s taking a long time again. Why should I feel sad, I have had the privilege of experiencing the miracle of conceiving, carrying a child, giving birth, and having a son to love! There are those who never do get that opportunity. I pray for those couples who never get to have that experience.

Life’s not fair. But life is good. I am blessed. I have a husband who is my strength and rock who loves me more than I can understand who holds me when I cry and comforts me. I have a son who brings me the greatest joy I’ve ever known. I have a Savior who lightens my load and carries me through the moments when I feel a crushing sadness. I have the blessing of trials to help me to grow, learn and become humble. I have joy.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Sumer Visit

My sister Chelsea came for a visit this week.  She brought our nephew Seth along with her.  We had so much fun....the 4 of us hanging out every day.  We went to the pool, to story time at the library, the pool, kids club at the mall, the pool, splash pad at the mall, the pool, watched movies, played cars, did puzzles, read stories, the pool, snuggled, laughed, and had so much fun together.  Croix misses his buddies so much already!  All days since they've been gone he's said Seth's name a million times.  Always wondering where he is.

My favorite Seth moments of the week:
I tried to teach Seth that it's good manners to say excuse me after you burp.  He honestly thought I was crazy and replied with "no way" "you're crazy"  "Oh stop it".  Well one day at lunch he was being very demanding that I needed to get him a drink, not a please to be heard.  I looked at him with a bit of sas and said "excuse me?" to which he replied "did I burp?"

I asked Seth if he knew the difference between smooth and rough he said
" No I don't think so..ummm....hummm....Wait!  Yes!  Dogs go ruff ruff!

We had beans with dinner one night.  Seth was not so hot on the idea of eating them.  I said "Oh you should really eat your beans, the are so good for you!  Bean have fiber and fiber helps you poop".  He now doesn't like fiber!  LOL  I think I swayed him a bit when I told him apples have fiber, he loves apples.

We miss them already!   So glad Chelsea and Seth got to visit.


Croix still gets massages at night after his bath before bed.  He has yet to get a massage on my table, yet some how the other day I found him like this.

Yes he's half naked....he ran off during a diaper change.

Little Helper


 He didn't get up there himself, don't worry.  I had him up on my knee to watch His Daddy out the window and he climbed up from there.
 His new trick, put his toes on the edge of the cabinet, do a pull up, then pull everything off the counters.

He climbed on top of his shoe basket too many times and put his foot right through it.

Yes he is exhausting to keep up with!

Too cute

Swim Lessons

We signed up for swim lessons this summer.  Croix pretty much hated it when we first started.  In fact he hated it so much we dropped out! We started the end of May and the water was still just TOO cold for Croix (and me!)  Croix would cry "cold cold cold" and "out".  His little lips turned blue and he was shivering by time we were done.  That combined with the fact that I would be gone the last week of lessons at girls camp and my Mother in law would have to take Croix to his lessons was enough for us to drop out.  Don't worry we started back up two weeks later.  The water was warmer and my Mother in Law wouldn't have to take Croix to swim lessons.  He still thought the water was cold and didn't really love the lessons but he learned lots.  He now feels much more comfortable in the water.  He will put his face in and blow bubbles.  He knows how to do monkey walks (complete with monkey sounds).  He'll "float" on his back and tummy.  He will kick his legs.  He absolutely hates being dunked and going under all the way.  He did great!  So proud of our little man.

These pics cracked me up!  So despite the fact that Croix and I both look ridiculous I had to share...the evolution of a jump.

Monkey walks

Twinkle twinkles


"Under  water exploration"

Thank you Nikki for helping Croix learn so much!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Maybe We Should Have Named Him Billy Bob

Oh My

The other day Croix was so covered after a condiment that we just threw him in the sink to wash him up.  It really made me notice how big he is getting.

First bath

9 mo old

 Just the other day  :(

He is not a baby any more.  He will look at pictures of himself on our wall and say baby baby.  I met a lady at the pool yesterday that had her little baby with her.....or so I thought, her little girl had just turned 1!  Oh my!  When did a 1 year old start looking like a baby!  Awww My little guy is growing up so fast!


Croix loves his fishys (how the heck do you spell 1 year old saying fish-y-s???).  We have to make sure they are put away in the pantry or else he'll eat the whole box!  I guess he decided they needed washed, or wanted to go swimming because this is where I found a whole cup full of gold fish last night.

In the bathroom sink!

Musical Chairs

Brent and Croix decided to swap cracked me up!

Happy Birthday To Me

I celebrated my 29th birthday!  It's weird to think I'm almost 30.  It's also funny how as the years add up the importance of them seems less.  I honestly kept forgetting my birthday was coming!  I woke up to this cute card.....

Brent and Croix made me this giant size "card".  On it they drew lots of gifts for me...a diamond ring, a mac book, an Escalade, a new camera.  Wow didn't I get so many expensive gifts this year!  LOL

That night Brent and I went on a date to Black Angus where I got a free steak dinner. 

And we enjoyed this heavenly dessert....for free I just had to endure them singing Happy Birthday.

Well worth any embarrassment!

I swung by Krispy Kreame to get my free dozen donuts.  Later that weekend I also enjoy a free breakfast from Ihop.  Yes I do enjoy getting a free meal!  It was a great day.