Just a Glimpse

Today is Sunday, and it is the second Sunday that our little family is not attending The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints.  No one is sick.  No one has died, although it feels like that some days.  For the past 36 years of my life I have faithfully attended church, and loved it.  I have prayed daily.  Read my scriptures daily.  Feasted upon the words of church leaders from General Conference.  I attended the temple.  My kids and I listened to the Book of Mormon on the way to school every day.  I served with love and dedication in any position I was asked to hold.  I did these things not because I felt as though I had to, not because of obligation, not because it’s just what I had always done and know, not to just go through the motions.  I did these things because I was truly converted to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I had a strong testimony that I carried in my heart through all of life’s experiences.  (I do not mention this to say….look at me I’m so great, rather to let you know, I was “Holding to the rod”  I was not commiting sin, I was doing all I was told to protect my testimony).  Today that testimony is dead. Part of the reason I felt compelled to write this is to help those who still believe and are active in the church understand in some small degree what this is like. I had someone say to me "the fact this is is hard for us should be evidenced the church is true. Most people do not have a hard time when they leave the church." I think this is a common misconception. I have learned from everyone I had talked with the decision to leave the church is beyond hard.

(Side note please do not be afraid to continue reading if you are an active believing member of the church.  I am in no way going to try and dissuade you from your beliefs.  Nor will I be sharing specific information that has caused the death of my testimony to occur.  PLEASE DO continue to read so you can have a tiny glimpse into what this is like, to lose your foundation.)

A couple months ago, at a Relief Society Presidency meeting one of the councilors recommended the book recently published by the Church called “Saints”.  I love to read and have enjoyed church history so I started reading.  (You can read this free in your Gospel Library App or by following the link above).  As I read, I learned things about my church’s history I had never heard before.  By time I had finished I had an uncomfortable feeling.  I sat with this for a while before sharing this with my husband.  One night as we were getting ready for bed I said to him, “I finished reading the Saints book.  It was not a faith building experience.”  We sat and talked for quite some time.  We decided we just needed to do a little more research.  Surly there were good explanations, that would put these things into a better light.

I went to the Gospel Topic Essays on lds.org.   I read them obsessively.  I have never spent as much time in my Gospel Library App, on lds.org and studying church history.  I followed every footnote.  I read from the footnotes before and after what was actually referenced to try and get as much context as possible.  The footnotes include minutes from meetings, journals from early members of the church and other relevant documents from that time.  Many of them can be found on the church produced website, The Church Historian’s Press, this includes the Joseph Smith Papers.  As I read I was shocked.  The history presented in these essays were not what I had been taught my entire life.  I began to pray as hard as I ever have in my life.  I prayed to know the truth.  I prayed to find something, anything that would make these things ok. With each essay I read, each new truth revealed to me, by the church, on it’s own website, each paragraph made me feel more and more uneasy.  I finally found the courage to say to my husband the thought I had been avoiding.  “What if the church isn’t true?”  Oh how those words made my heart ache.  Yet still, with all this new information I continued to pray, please let it be true.  I still held out hope for anything to hold onto, as literally every thing I had been taught crumbled and was disappearing.

I asked family to please pray for us.  We attended the tempe, and although the recent changes made my feminist heart happy it only added to the confusion, increased our doubts and added yet more questions.  I left not having found the peace, solace and comfort I was seeking.

We had a General Authority, Steven E. Snow, who is the Church Historian, (the perfect person to discuss these things with) coming to our stake conference.  With every tattered thread of hope I had left I reached out to the stake president to see if my husband and I might be able to meet with him.  I prayed so hard, I pled with the Lord, “Please let us be able to meet him so he can answer our questions and calm my troubled heart.”  I also enlisted a few family members to pray for us to be able to meet with him.  Despite our pleadings to God we were not able to meet and discuss our concerns with Elder Snow.  We did get to chat with him for a few minutes after a meeting.  He said exactly what I had prayed and hoped he wouldn’t,  “We have to remember Joseph Smith was an imperfect man and have faith.”  Those words broke.my.heart. He left us with his card to reach out in an email.  Which I did.  His email response did not provide any answers or comfort.

We made an appointment with our Bishop desperate for any answers, even though at that point I knew in my heart there were none.  The things I learned by reading on lds.org and in the Gospel Library App were the truth about the foundation church, the Book of Mormon and the man I could no longer believe was a prophet, Joseph Smith.

I feel like my most intimate friend has died although I have never had a friend as intertwined in my life as the church is.  In the morning I wake up and for a small moment I just wake, but then like a tidal wave of grief it hits me, everything I have learned, and I am devastated.  I feel in denial, hoping that the new truth I know could somehow disappear, but it remains, documented in history. It remains because unlike what I was taught my entire life, this new information is true.

Devastated, heartbroken, everything has crumbled.  Left knowing nothing other than God loves me and my husband and I will be ok. I thank God every day that we are going through this together.  His love and support are helping me make it through one of, if not the hardest thing I’ve experienced thus far in my life.

We were able to meet with our good and kind Bishop.  I poured out my aching soul to him.  I sobbed in his office as as shared what we had learned.  I told him I didn’t go looking for this information, I was looking to strengthen my testimony.  I wasn’t tired of all the rules and looking for an easy out.  I wasn’t committing major sins and too lazy to repent.  The thought of not wearing my garments broke my heart.  Thinking about drinking coffee or alcohol made me sick to my stomach.  I was not excited to not have to pay tithing.  I was devastated!!!  I was absolutely crushed.  This poor good man, also had no answers beyond just have faith.  With tears streaming down my face I asked to be released from my calling.  

The next day I felt so much peace.  My heart had been in complete turmoil as I desperately searched for anything to hold onto.  As I tried to find anything to make what I had learned ok.  After so much prayer and fasting, reading of scripture and attending the temple we decided to leave the church and had conveyed that to our Bishop.  After that my heart felt peace.  It is still broken, I am still saddened to my core but I have peace, and after joining a support group I now also have hope.

Prior to this experience I don’t think I’d given much thought as to why people leave the church.  I had mostly assumed they were tired of the rules, not willing to sacrifice for the truth.  Unrighteous and fooled by Satan because they were not doing all that they should.  None of those were my experience.  As I reached out to friends who have already left the church I heard over and over how sorry they were, because this has been the hardest thing they have ever experienced.  I’ve heard over and over how devastated people have been by learning the truth.  I’ve heard over and over people express tremendous grief.  I’ve cried as I’ve listen to people describe being abandoned by their families and friends.

The reason I felt compelled to write this is to help those who still believe understand a little what this is like.  Also to plea with our family and friends, please do not abandon us (this does not mean please try and save us and convince us of our mistake)!  We are still the same people we have always been.  Our children are still the beautiful amazing souls that love your children.  We have talked to them about not sharing this information with others because it could make them sad, just like it has made us sad.  At this time when our foundation has been shattered and our faith that was woven through every aspect of our lives is gone, we need your love and support now more than ever.  We do not have to talk about church, although we are open to answering questions.  I felt so much love and support when my brother passed away, and this feels equal in the depth of pain and loss.  Part of that is because it is in my nature to be open and vulnerable and reach out.  I know so many people quietly leave the church but I have to be able to reach out during this heartbreak.  I have to be able to express myself honestly through this process of rediscovering our faith and rebuilding our foundation.  So please, please do not abandon us because we have learned things that make it impossible for us to continue the life of Mormonism.  We still love.  We still need you.  

Our plea is the same as so many who are in the same situation as us, for the same reasons.  We will respect and honor you and your beliefs please do the same for us.