Thursday, January 6, 2011

Deja Vu

I've had some weird deja vu lately.  First I found out my sister in law is pregnant.  We are so excited for her.  Upon finding out when she is due I thought, maybe we'll be pregnant together.  Then I was flooded with deja vu as I remembered thinking, even saying the exact same thing when she got pregnant with her first.  We had just started trying to conceive and the thought of being pregnant at the same time as my sister in law was exciting.  Then she had her baby, we were still not pregnant.  Then he turned one and we were still not pregnant.  His birthday party was a little heart breaking for me.

Then my sister got engaged!!!  She asked me if I would be a bridesmaid in her wedding.  After saying yes I thought I probably should let her know there is a possibility I could be pregnant by then.  Might be important to conciser in regards to dresses.  So I said, just so you know there is a possibility I could be pregnant.  Who knows, probably not just saying there is a chance.  Again deja vu.  When my brother got engaged he and his fiancee asked me to be a bridesmaid in their wedding.  The wedding was still over a year away, we had just started trying to conceive.  I told them, just so you know, there's a chance I could be pregnant then, heck might even have a baby by then!  The wedding came and went, no pregnancy.

Weird right?  Both of those happened with in a few days.

Well a while ago it had been 38 days since my last period.  I did not feel pregnant at all.  Did not really think I was pregnant.  Then one day I had some spotting and then nothing.  I had some spotting when I got pregnant with Croix.  So It made me wonder.  I stopped myself from counting out what month I'd be due, how far apart Croix and baby number two would be.   Wasn't going to go there.  But I couldn't stop wondering if I could be.  Brent and my good friend convinced me I needed to take a pregnancy test to find out.  I was going to wait a few days, just give it a little bit.  She had just gotten pregnant and had an extra test from the three pack she bought, since it only took them two months to get pregnant.  They insisted, I agreed.  In retrospect it's not that surprising, but in the moment it was very surprising to me the emotions that peeing on a stick brought.  I was scared.  Oh so scared to take that test.  I was angry, very angry that I had to take a test.  I knew that it was negative!  There was no hope it was positive.  There was no reason for me to feel those things.  There was a chance I could be pregnant.  There was nothing to be angry about.  There was absolutely nothing to be scared about, either way was fine.  If we would have been pregnant it would be great, if not totally fine too.  But there I was scared, angry, and sure it was negative.  It was negative.

I guess so many negative pregnancy tests effected me a little more then I knew.  I hope that since I experienced those feelings in relation to taking a pregnancy test, thought about them, acknowledged them, that next time I take a test, positive or negative it can be the new experience that it really is.  This is a new time trying to conceive.  This is a new opportunity.


Melissa said...

wait, so I'm was negative? You never said!! But I'm guessing it was because you didn't say you were pregnant...but since you never said, I'm dying to know!! And how are you doing lady??? Thanks for your comment on my blog! It made me happy!

hufflepufffamily said...

I love this blog. I so regret not being the woman I am now when we were in the same ward. I so would have scooped you up and made you a part of my life. I am always so moved and proud of you. You are an amazing woman, mother, wife. Thank you for your inspiration and example.

Alan and Abby said...

I left you a really long response on the 2ofus4now support group, so here I will just say that I love you and I'm praying for you.

Michael and Danielle said...

Deja Vu, indeed! I'm right there with you. Praying for you.

Nicole said...

I am so sorry. I took one at the hospital a couple weeks ago. Those negative ones hurt me too. We are in this together. If you ever need to talk.