I was just reflecting about the holidays this year, well I guess '09. I realized I was so excited for the holidays. I was excited to spend time with family. I was excited for the food. I was excited to start establishing holiday traditions with our son. I was excited for Croix's first Christmas. I was contemplating how truly excited and happy I was for the holidays this year and remembering last year. Let’s just say the difference is HUGE!
Last year, especially Christmas was so hard for me. It seems like Christmas really is for the kids! I know really it's a time to remember and celebrate the birth of our Savior, but the celebrations, the traditions, so many of them are centered on children. Since we were two years into trying to conceive and had already had two failed fertility treatments, not to mention the years of fertility drugs, I was not in the full Christmas spirit. The thought of Christmas actually just depressed me. Last year was very difficult. I put off putting up a tree to the point I decided it was just too late. That's right we didn't even put up a Christmas tree. I didn't decorate. The most Christmas cheer I had was listening to some Christmas cd's. I did focus my attention on remembering my Savior. I pondered the miracle of his birth. Applied the atonement to my breaking heart and tried to have a good time anywhere we went! At that point I felt like a little bit of myself died every month with every negative pregnancy test. But December was exceptionally hard. On the 1th our family was lucky enough to welcome a new cousin. I was unlucky enough to get a negative pregnancy test the same morning. My cousins came to stay with Brent and I while their new brother was being born. So I got a negative test and then went to the labor and delivery and visited a brand new baby. I thought I'd be ok. I pumped myself up for it. I told myself I could cry when I got home so just be strong. I did just fine and think I would have been ok had it not been for the kind and gentle perception of my uncle who looked into my eyes and asked, "and how are you doing being here?” I broke down and sobbed in the hall ways of labor and delivery. I cried on his shoulder. Then pulled myself together and went and welcomed my new cousin into our family. It was hard on Christmas to watch two nephews enjoy Christmas. Their Moms had both been pregnant when I wanted to be. Their little boys were one year old and enjoying Christmas traditions. So they had been pregnant, had their babies, then their babies had celebrated their first birthday, all while I wanted so desperately to be pregnant. It was rough. New Years Eve was no better. We had plans to go to a party some friends were throwing. Then the day crashed and then burned. I had a serious blow out with a family member that left me hurt for quite some time. (Families can be complicated, the important thing is that we remember how much we love each other and do our best to show that love) It was almost overwhelming while I was in the midst of such a hard time. I came home from that disaster and got a call from my sister in law. She was pregnant. Again I thought I could hold it together as I cheerfully asked her when she was due, how she was feeling, etc. Then as she with gentle kindness said, we are all just hoping and praying it happens for you guys soon. The tears just flowed. They did not stop for over an hour. I just laid on the floor and wept. My heart was breaking. I cried so hard I could barely breathe. It was as though the whole two years of pain just came rushing over me. Despite every attempt to find hope, I felt hopeless in that moment. I felt alone. I felt terrified it would never happen. I prayed to just make it through the next minute. My sweet husband came home and did his best to comfort his inconsolable wife. Needless to say, we did not go to the party. Last year there was no holiday cheer. I focused hard to enjoy the reason for the season, our Savior, a fresh start, but that was as much as I could give. This year there was cheer galore.....I decorated, I sang Christmas carols, I attended Christmas parties, I even decorated my dogs.
As I reflect I am overcome with gratitude for my many blessings. First a loving Savior who carried me through many dark moments, second as husband who is as perfect as they come (which is not perfect, but perfect for me) third my miracle son who brings me joy beyond my greatest expectations. I glad to have been able to ponder. I glad we have memories of pain, the pain makes us stronger, the memory helps us be grateful! That is where I am, grateful! Oh so very grateful!