Monday, June 27, 2011

LIfe's Not Fair

Life’s not fair, we all know that. I think knowing that can make the moments of disappointment a little easier. Only a little easier though.

My sister is pregnant. I’m so happy for her and her husband. Not only am I happy for them that they are expecting but I’m happy that my sister doesn’t have fertility issues. She got pregnant her very first month of being married. Very first month. Not even really trying. I heard this happy news the same week I was going in to the lab and getting blood drawn to test hormone levels and if everything is normal….trying to find out why after 10 months of trying I'm still not pregnant. I hate that because of my infertility I can’t be completely happy for my sister. Instead of just happiness for her I also feel sadness for me, jealousy, and a little bit of anger that they didn’t even have to try. Then I feel guilty, why can’t I just be happy for them?

Life’s not fair.

This past week my nephew was here visiting. It was so great to have him here! Croix loved having him here! Despite my best efforts I could not stop myself from thinking how my brother and his then girlfriend got pregnant with Seth when we first started ttc. Watching Seth and Croix play and laugh together just made my heart a little heavy. That was my plan. Having Seth here was a glimpse of what I’d thought our life would be. Where I thought we would be in our life right now, two kids, playing together in absolute delight. It made it so much harder when Seth left that Croix just cried, and for days has been asking for Seth. Every morning and after every nap Croix wakes up saying Seth, Seth, Seth all through out the day, he ask for him. It breaks my heart. The longer we ttc the more it seems like Croix just needs a buddy. At this point I don’t even want to get pregnant for me, for the experience and joy of carrying a child, but for Croix, so he won’t have to be an only child. I just hope it happens before Croix is old enough to start asking for a sibling. Instead he has a cousin, conceived by a teenager, out of wedlock, who is a horrible mother. That same girl is now pregnant with her 4th child. Seth has yet to celebrate his 4th birthday. His Mother, after marrying and subsequently divorcing my brother married a drug dealer who is abusive. It’s just not fair that she, and immature, young, irresponsible, girl who is neglectful to her children to the point of bordering abuse continues to get pregnant while we, a stable loving couple who provide a loving secure environment struggle.

Life’s not fair.

Knowing life’s not fair makes it a bit easier. It takes away the desire for an explanation. That’s all the explanation I need, it’s just the way life is. We all have struggles, we all have things we experience that cause us pain, and anguish. That’s part of our existence on this earth, to learn and grow. I’ve found that my prayers are different this time around then they were when we were ttc with Croix. Rather than just pleading to get pregnant (although I do still do that) I also pray for strength and comfort to accept the Lord’s will for my life rather than just endure. I ask for peace in my trial, so that when I feel angry that it’s not me who’s pregnant, it’s my ex-sister in law for the 4th time, I can let that anger go and continue to have joy and happiness in my life. I pray trying to express gratitude for the multitude of blessings I DO have. I pray for help in not feeling guilty, when I hear that my sister is pregnant and I’m jealous, or that I feel so sad that it’s taking a long time again. Why should I feel sad, I have had the privilege of experiencing the miracle of conceiving, carrying a child, giving birth, and having a son to love! There are those who never do get that opportunity. I pray for those couples who never get to have that experience.

Life’s not fair. But life is good. I am blessed. I have a husband who is my strength and rock who loves me more than I can understand who holds me when I cry and comforts me. I have a son who brings me the greatest joy I’ve ever known. I have a Savior who lightens my load and carries me through the moments when I feel a crushing sadness. I have the blessing of trials to help me to grow, learn and become humble. I have joy.


Heather said...

When I was trying my sister got pregnant first try too. She had her baby and I was actually pregnant but didn't know it. I broke down and cried when I went to visit in the hospital. It was SO hard! But it's all part of life I guess. And I am happy for the way things worked out for me, so in the end it made me feel like there was a plan! Now she is having a hard time getting prego this time around too and I feel so bad for her! But once again I just keep telling her that everything happens in the time it is supposed to happen, and it will all work out one way or another. Good luck!!!

Erin L said...

"Fair doesn't always mean equal." I heard that the other day and I keep thinking about it. God gives us all what we need to become more like Him. It isn't equal. But in the end it will be fair. My heart aches for you and others that struggle. I feel guilty too. I wonder what to say or whether or not to talk about it. I feel like so many would be much better parents than I am. You are in my thoughts. I hope everything works out and that little Croix has a sibling soon.