Egg Salad Sandwich

This is a sad post to write, because it is the beginning of the end.

It had been one of those crazy busy Mom days.   It was a Thursday, November 1st to be exact, which is a preschool day.  Picking Croix up from preschool at 12 means we get lunch a little later on a normal day.  I had a great morning and locked my keys in my car at the grocery store.  So I ended up getting Croix late.  By time we got home and  I fixed Croix his lunch, which to get something quick for him (since he was starving) it was not something I could eat.  Then about the time he was finishing lunch Maizy wanted to nurse.  I fed her and got her happy.  Put Croix down for a nap.  Then Maizy was fussy and needing attention.  By time I finally got around to feeding myself it was close to 1:30.  I was beyond starving.  I had some hard boiled eggs in the fridge and was almost drooling thinking about the egg salad sandwich I was going to make with them.  (we were trialing eggs back into my diet and it was going great!)  I was thinking that the only reason I couldn't eat mayo was that it was egg whites.  I got the bread out, the eggs mashed up, the mustard salt and pepper in and grabbed the mayo to put in.  I, purely out of habit glanced at the label.  Soy was the first ingredient.  I knew I shouldn't eat it.  I knew I should just start over on lunch and figure something else out.  But I was starving.  It was so late.  I had been on the go all morning long running errands, and had nursed twice since I had eaten last.  STARVING.  I made a selfish choice and justified it saying to myself it wasn't that much, just a little mayo, I'm sure we'll be fine.  I went along my day and forgot about it.  I did remember once Brent was home and offhandedly joked....I hope we don't have a long night.  But then again forgot about it as I went along my evening. 

I had a massage client that night and was working on her, which left Brent in charge of getting the kids to bed by himself.  I heard Maizy crying and crying.  My client heard Maizy crying and crying and asked if I need to go help.  I said, no it's good for him to deal with a fussy baby every now and then, get a dose of what I deal with.  But she kept on crying so finally I went out thinking he was just having a hard time getting her to go to sleep.  He was in our room next to her crib trying to soothe her.  I asked if he wanted me to put her down.  He handed her to me and I said, I don't know why you have such a hard time putting her down.  He said, this is the soy.

Instantly guilt washed over me.  I knew he was right.  Her little cry was a pain cry.  I knew she need some help so I told Brent to get her a bottle (knowing if she had food in her tummy it would help it not hurt as much) and let me help him put her in the wrap.  He refused the wrap but got a bottle.  I went back to my client and tried to focus on my client and not my screaming baby.  It didn't work.  I went out offered some other suggestions for Brent, again suggesting he put her in the wrap.  He refused that.  He made it perfectly clear that this was my fault and he wasn't happy he had to be dealing with it.  I went back to my client.  More screaming.  I came out, Brent had gotten her to eat very little of a bottle and she was still crying.  Brent was still not happy.  I told him I was sorry I had made one selfish decision and it was perfectly clear that I was a horrible person.  I took off my shirt, put on the wrap and put Maizy in it.  Skin to skin contact is proven to help lower pain and stress in babies, I knew it would help, and it did.  It took her a minute but she finally fell asleep.  I went back upstairs and finished my massage.  She would cry and whimper and fuss every so often.  It was heart breaking.

I apologized profusely to my client both as she left and the next day via text for being in and out, for all the crying, and for the fact I was wearing my baby for half her massage. She was gracious and said it was fine and I have to take care of my family first.  I have the best clients in the world. 

After she left Maizy woke up again and was just crying in pain.  I cried with her.  There are no words to describe the guilt I felt.  It's hard enough to watch your child hurt and be in pain, but to know you are the cause of it is even worse.   I felt sick to my stomach knowing my actions were causing her so much pain.  I felt even worse with the way Brent had reacted.  (I can't always post about how wonderful he is and how much I love him, because he's human and imperfect just like me).  I felt awful.  

I started pumping and feeding Maizy a bottle immediately so I didn't give her any more of my contaminated milk. My friend had surgery the day before and had to take pain killers.  She was unable to nurse. So the night before I had loaned her my pump for one day thinking I wouldn't need it in the next day.  So here I was in a situation where I needed to pump and I didn't have one!  I started calling/texting all my friends to see if anyone had a pump I could borrow for the night, just the night because I would be getting my pump back the next day.  It was hard to find one but I finally did.  When my friend came and brought her pump over I just cried.  Maizy wasn't taking a bottle and it had been a long time since she had eaten.  The whole situation was a mess.  She went to bed eating very little.  But then in the middle of the night took the bottle just fine and then continued taking it well.

I called the GI specialist the next morning to ask how long I would need to pump to get the soy out of my system before I could nurse again.  I was afraid they would say 2-3 weeks because it can take that long to completely get something out of your system.  I was relieved to hear 2-3 days!  I was also relieved to hear they didn't think this would ruin our trial of eggs.  So I pumped for 3 days and we went back to breast feeding!