Wednesday, December 19, 2012


The sell of our house was finalized.  The bank approved the short sell and accepted the buyers.   We went to title and signed papers.  It was a lot work to deal with realtors, prospective buyers, paperwork to be filled out, calls to be made, wait to hear from people.  And yet at the very end all we had to do was leave our keys in a drawer, walk out and just like that our home of six and a half years was no longer ours.


As much of a relief as it was to be out from under our house that was so upside down in value (it sold for almost exactly half of what we paid for it) there were tears as I packed up the final items.  As we did a final walk through to make sure nothing was forgotten.  It felt as if we were forgetting things because we couldn't take, the ceiling fan that we put up with the help of Brent's Dad or the shelves in our laundry room he helped us with.  We will never have a part of Jim in our home we had to leave that behind.  The tile floors we laid, the lighting fixtures we installed, the awesome paint jobs that I loved.  The room where we saw two pink lines for the first time after years of heart ache and trying.  The house we brought two babies home to.  The closet where Brent and I had our first knock down, yelling fight.  The spot where we found our dear Bosco.  The floor that was under so many firsts; rolling over, crawling, steps, boo boos, Christmases, Birthdays.  The front door that welcomed so many friends and that opened to wonderful neighbors (most of them, most of the time).  The sidewalk that led to the park where we spent hours with friends. 

That home was a huge part of our lives.  I'm forever thankful for the memories and love that were present there.  I'm so glad we get to take those with us.

One year

October 29th was the one year anniversary of  Jim passing.  We had Corinne over for dinner.  We shared some things we loved about Jim.  Time has lessened the hurt but it has not decreased the loss.  How thankful we are for the plan of salvation.  For the atonement.  For the promise of forever.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Young Womanhood Recognition

 As a leader in the young women's program you can complete the personal progress program and earn the young womanhood recognition along side the girls. When I heard this I decided I wanted to do it.  It is easier for leaders.  Rather then having to do the required goals and then more from each value, you just have to do the required goals and one project per value (? Or maybe just a few projects?) rather then two per value.  You also have to serve in the YW program for at least a year (I served for nearly 3).  It was much easier to complete for other reasons too.  A lot of the goals are things I already do on a daily basis.  It made me smile to reflect on how I had completed these same goals 15 years ago.  It made me grateful I had done them back then.  I was able to see how they really did help me to prepare to be a mother, wife, and faithful daughter of my Heavenly Father.  I'm glad I put the time and effort into earning it as a young woman.

For my projects I made my bridesmaid dress for my sister's wedding.


I also planted a garden.  Read the entire book of Mormon.  Organized a book club.  And I think some other things but it's been quite a while ago and I honestly don't remember right now!  :P  (this is why it's beneficial to blog right away rather then setting things aside in draft form forever)


I like this one a lot better then the one I earned 12 years ago, that one was gold, this is silver.  I had lost it some where along the way through all my moves.  I'm glad I earned it as a leader.  Helped me relate to the young women, helped me focus on what is really important as wife and mother and daughter of God!  I will proudly wear this one!  It's beautiful and so is what it stands for.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Thankful Turkey

We made a hand turkey family.  I loved it.  It was so cute.  I wish I could keep it forever.  But the reality is Croix destroys everything, it would never make through moves and years and years, and really where would I keep it, it was pretty big.  So instead of keeping it forever I'm posting it on here, to be forever remembered.  With Maizy's tiny hand, Croix's little hand, Mom and Dad, fun feathers.

Love it

Egg Salad Sandwich

This is a sad post to write, because it is the beginning of the end.

It had been one of those crazy busy Mom days.   It was a Thursday, November 1st to be exact, which is a preschool day.  Picking Croix up from preschool at 12 means we get lunch a little later on a normal day.  I had a great morning and locked my keys in my car at the grocery store.  So I ended up getting Croix late.  By time we got home and  I fixed Croix his lunch, which to get something quick for him (since he was starving) it was not something I could eat.  Then about the time he was finishing lunch Maizy wanted to nurse.  I fed her and got her happy.  Put Croix down for a nap.  Then Maizy was fussy and needing attention.  By time I finally got around to feeding myself it was close to 1:30.  I was beyond starving.  I had some hard boiled eggs in the fridge and was almost drooling thinking about the egg salad sandwich I was going to make with them.  (we were trialing eggs back into my diet and it was going great!)  I was thinking that the only reason I couldn't eat mayo was that it was egg whites.  I got the bread out, the eggs mashed up, the mustard salt and pepper in and grabbed the mayo to put in.  I, purely out of habit glanced at the label.  Soy was the first ingredient.  I knew I shouldn't eat it.  I knew I should just start over on lunch and figure something else out.  But I was starving.  It was so late.  I had been on the go all morning long running errands, and had nursed twice since I had eaten last.  STARVING.  I made a selfish choice and justified it saying to myself it wasn't that much, just a little mayo, I'm sure we'll be fine.  I went along my day and forgot about it.  I did remember once Brent was home and offhandedly joked....I hope we don't have a long night.  But then again forgot about it as I went along my evening. 

I had a massage client that night and was working on her, which left Brent in charge of getting the kids to bed by himself.  I heard Maizy crying and crying.  My client heard Maizy crying and crying and asked if I need to go help.  I said, no it's good for him to deal with a fussy baby every now and then, get a dose of what I deal with.  But she kept on crying so finally I went out thinking he was just having a hard time getting her to go to sleep.  He was in our room next to her crib trying to soothe her.  I asked if he wanted me to put her down.  He handed her to me and I said, I don't know why you have such a hard time putting her down.  He said, this is the soy.

Instantly guilt washed over me.  I knew he was right.  Her little cry was a pain cry.  I knew she need some help so I told Brent to get her a bottle (knowing if she had food in her tummy it would help it not hurt as much) and let me help him put her in the wrap.  He refused the wrap but got a bottle.  I went back to my client and tried to focus on my client and not my screaming baby.  It didn't work.  I went out offered some other suggestions for Brent, again suggesting he put her in the wrap.  He refused that.  He made it perfectly clear that this was my fault and he wasn't happy he had to be dealing with it.  I went back to my client.  More screaming.  I came out, Brent had gotten her to eat very little of a bottle and she was still crying.  Brent was still not happy.  I told him I was sorry I had made one selfish decision and it was perfectly clear that I was a horrible person.  I took off my shirt, put on the wrap and put Maizy in it.  Skin to skin contact is proven to help lower pain and stress in babies, I knew it would help, and it did.  It took her a minute but she finally fell asleep.  I went back upstairs and finished my massage.  She would cry and whimper and fuss every so often.  It was heart breaking.

I apologized profusely to my client both as she left and the next day via text for being in and out, for all the crying, and for the fact I was wearing my baby for half her massage. She was gracious and said it was fine and I have to take care of my family first.  I have the best clients in the world. 

After she left Maizy woke up again and was just crying in pain.  I cried with her.  There are no words to describe the guilt I felt.  It's hard enough to watch your child hurt and be in pain, but to know you are the cause of it is even worse.   I felt sick to my stomach knowing my actions were causing her so much pain.  I felt even worse with the way Brent had reacted.  (I can't always post about how wonderful he is and how much I love him, because he's human and imperfect just like me).  I felt awful.  

I started pumping and feeding Maizy a bottle immediately so I didn't give her any more of my contaminated milk. My friend had surgery the day before and had to take pain killers.  She was unable to nurse. So the night before I had loaned her my pump for one day thinking I wouldn't need it in the next day.  So here I was in a situation where I needed to pump and I didn't have one!  I started calling/texting all my friends to see if anyone had a pump I could borrow for the night, just the night because I would be getting my pump back the next day.  It was hard to find one but I finally did.  When my friend came and brought her pump over I just cried.  Maizy wasn't taking a bottle and it had been a long time since she had eaten.  The whole situation was a mess.  She went to bed eating very little.  But then in the middle of the night took the bottle just fine and then continued taking it well.

I called the GI specialist the next morning to ask how long I would need to pump to get the soy out of my system before I could nurse again.  I was afraid they would say 2-3 weeks because it can take that long to completely get something out of your system.  I was relieved to hear 2-3 days!  I was also relieved to hear they didn't think this would ruin our trial of eggs.  So I pumped for 3 days and we went back to breast feeding!

Hi. My name is Croix

I haven't quite figured out Croix.  I imagine I'll spend the rest of my life trying to figure him out.  He often proclaims himself to be shy.  And acts very shy, hanging close to me, or clinging to my leg, or staying on the outside of what's going on just observing.  But there are times he just pops out and says "Hi, my name is Croix"  to perfect strangers.  I think in regards to the strangers part I prefer him to be shy!

Death Wish

Since moving here Croix has been putting himself in harms way all the time.  Brent was trying to get the washer and dryer hooked up.  He had the dryer on a furniture dolly (a wood square with wheels on the bottom).  Neither of us were in the laundry room, Brent was just outside the door, and I was down the hall.  Brent and I were talking.  Brent looked over and hollered "Croix" in a tone that scared me to death and quickly hurried into the laundry room.  Then I heard the dryer come crashing down.  I was terrified Croix was underneath it.  I ran as fast as I could into the laundry room.  The dryer was on its back, Croix was standing next to it.  Tears sprang to my eyes and I was over joyed to see him standing there and not mangled under the dryer as I was picturing.  My heart was pounding and my hands were shaking for quite a while.  The reality of what could have happened kept coming to my mind.  I often say that Croix almost died, but really it's an exaggeration ( like the two following stories) but he really could have this time.  If the dryer had fallen on Croix it easily could have killed him.  I have said multiple prayers of gratitude that my busy, inquisitive, overly helpful, little boy was safe after that incident.

I got Croix up from his nap and found a flashlight completly disassembled (nothing new over here).  I'm gathering pieces to put it back together and found the batteries chewed up!  Croix had been chewing on them.  I was so glad he hadn't chewed them long enough or hard enough to get to the acid in them.  Could have burned his mouth and face and sent us straight to the ER!

I had a candle burning, it was set on the wall behind my kitchen sink.  I was in the living room which is all open and connected to the kitchen, but I was at the opposite end.  Croix climbed up to the sink, grabbed the candle and slipped splashing hot wax all over the kitchen, thankfully away from himself, and not all over himself.

I really wonder sometimes how he has not been seriously injured.  Knock on wood.  I'll pray the angels that must be watching over him continue to hang around for a while.

Freestone Park

Freestone Park has a free concert the first Thursday of every month.  Now that the weather has cooled down we decided to go check it out.  It was delightful!  The weather was pure perfection.  We started out close to the stage but when the band started it was too loud for baby ears so we moved further back.  Croix loved it!  After the band had been playing a while kids started coming up to the stage and dancing. Croix and I went down and joined in the fun. As I watched his giant smile flash, him dancing all over the place, listened to his joyful laughter I had to hold back tears as the perfection of the moment just overwhelmed me! I fell even more in love with Croix! I love my family I love our life. I loved everything about that moment!

Later Brent went down and danced around with Croix. I fell a little more in love with Brent as I watched him out there with Croix. He is such a wonderful Daddy, such a good man! I sat there holding Maizy. She was loving being outside as much as the rest of us and was grinning away. I fell even more in love with Maizy and her sweetness and happy smile.

The band took an intermission so Croix and I ran around and played in the grass. We rolled down the hill. I spun him in circles until we were both dizzy. We ran races. How we loved being out side! Have I mentioned how thrilled I am that its finally cooling down and we can do these types of things more often!

We  definitely be going to the concert again next month!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

We've Moved to Compton

(I've fallen so far behind with moving, so I'm just going to keep up from now on and catch up where I can)

We're in our new house. It's on Compton.  Kind of fun to say we've moved to Compton.  There is so much that I love about it!  The tile floors (although I'm sure I'll love them more in the summer), the granite counter tops, that it's a single story, with a drive way, a covered patio, the bigger back yard, four bedrooms, our cute breakfast nook.  Love it!  Love it all!  I'm still bogged down by boxes.  We've been here  for twelve days, I really should be unpacking but I've got to take a break!  Everyday I work so hard (as much as Croix and Maizy will let me) and feel exhausted by the end of the day and yet feel like I haven't accomplished anything!  It's viscous!  I keep reminding myself one box at a time, it will get done one box at a time.

Sigh I was hoping to get more written but Maizy just woke up and we need to run to the store to get something for dinner.