Thursday, February 16, 2012


You know what I absolutely love the most about being pregnant?  (When I say love really I mean the thing I completely hate)  Gas.  You know how it just happens, if you’re like me, all the time.  I’ve turned into that nasty old person I hate at the grocery store.  I happily let one rip while picking my produce, because if it’s coming out, it’s not going to make me miserable staying in!  I’ve gotten to the point, I don’t care if it smells, if people hear me, or know it’s me, I just don’t want to get to that point where I feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t let it out.  Yeah I’ve gotten to be nasty like that.  And no, I don’t care, and I don’t care what you think about that. 
If you’ve ever been pregnant you probably understand why.  If you’ve never been pregnant or were just lucky enough to not have miserable gas let me tell you why I couldn’t care less what anyone thinks about me as long as the gas is coming out.
If it doesn’t come out it’s staying in!  Let me tell you a little what that feels like.  A little like someone crammed a giant ball into your stomach (let us not forget there is already a baby growing in there taking up the majority of the room, so this ball is in addition to the uterus containing the human you are growing).  It is covered in acid that is eating you alive from the inside out.  You know the only way to alleviate the pain caused by the giant acid bomb is to burp or fart.  So that’s pretty much all you want to do in life is burp or fart.  Every move you make hurts, laying down, sitting, pretty much just being alive.  You start to feel a little unhuman as your body is being taken over by the pain.   As this giant ball moves it hurts more, in other places.  You feel it moving and know relief has to be coming, it’s working its way out.

Finally the point comes where you just let one rip.  A giant fart that would make any hillbilly proud.  This is what I call a gas-gasm.  Why?  Because it’s a little reminiscent of an orgasm.  How in the world is passing gas, like an orgasm?  Well let me tell you.  You have to build up to an orgasm, you build up to it, you feel it coming, and you can’t wait for it.  Then all of the sudden….WHAM!  Best feeling EVER!!!  You might even sigh or let out a light moan after.  Oh the joy of an orgasm.  Same with pregnant gas.  It builds up, you can feel it coming, and you just can’t wait for it.  The RIPPPPP!  Best feeling EVER!!!!  No more pain.  You’re human again.  You might even let out a sigh, or little moan of relief.  You just had a gas-gasm!
Now if only orgasms could occur as often during pregnancy as gas-gasms do, that would be lovely now wouldn’t it!!!!

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