Tuesday, August 3, 2010


The other day The Cheesecake Factory was celebrating national cheesecake day by offering $1.50 cheesecake!  I was in!  I love their cheesecake and I'm cheap so this was prefect for me :D  I also thought it would be so fun to go with a group of girls and eat some cheesecake and maybe even have lunch.  I made an event on facebook and invited 72 people. I invited everyone at church, figuring what a better way to get to know people better then over good dessert!  I sent out an email and invited a ton more.  I imagined lots of friends eating cheesecake while wrestling our kids and laughing and having a blast.  Well I sadly got a lot of replies from people saying they were going to be out of town or had to work.  I had invited a ton of people so I figured it was ok, there would still be friends to come.  Well day of said lunch came.  I got a text from one friend saying her hubby couldn't watch the kids so she couldn't come.  I hadn't really heard from anyone else about going so I text a few people.  No one was coming!  I even called one person, a more casual blogger, facebook friend, who had previously said she was coming.  She couldn't come either.  As I realized no one was going to come I contemplated just not going. I wasn't going to miss out on $1.50 cheesecake and Brent had class that night so I couldn't just wait and go with him when he got home.  I ended up going just Croix and I.   I enjoy my delicious cheesecake, all by myself.  It was sad!  Not sad simply because I was alone.  I've done plenty of things alone, including eating at a restaurant, seeing a movie, going into NYC!  Being alone, doing things alone doesn't really bother me.  What did bother me was that I wanted a lunch date with girlfriends and not a single friend came.  It was that I didn't want to be alone, and I was.

It made me think of all my good friend that have moved away....remember this post.  It made me miss good friends I've left along the years as I've moved.  We still keep in touch over the phone, facebook, email, but well their just not here to go to lunch with me.  It made me think about my friends, and feel a little lacking in that department.  I feel like I'm friendly with plenty of people at church but like it doesn't go much beyond a casual friendship of hello, how are you? Glad to see you!  As we pass in the hallways.  That more intimate connection seems to be missing.  I was pondering this and decided it's harder to establish this as adults.  We have our spouse, we have kids, we have jobs, we are busy.  I don't think I'm ok with this though.  I was tempted to be upset with the fact that no one came and I don't feel like I have close friends here.  Then I decided to take responsibility for this!  Who's fault is it besides my own if I haven't been brave enough to call up my casual friends and share an intimate problem, or joy, or issue with them?  Mine!  Do I think a deeper relationship is just going to emerge out of thin air?  No!  I'm going to have to be willing to risk and open up.  If I want people to reciprocate that kind of trusting open relationship with me I have to give it first!  So watch out world, I'm looking to open up and let you in, and I'm hoping you'll do the same, and that we can become better friends!  I have social needs, that aren't being met.  So I'm making it a priority to fill that need in my life!  Watch out!  You just might get invited over to dinner or a phone call that could be uncomfortable, because I'm stretching my comfort level!


Heather said...

Oh Terina I am sorry! I would have gone if I could have. I hope you enjoyed every bit of that yummy cheesecake, next time I am in town we should get a sitter and grab a bite. Love you!

Meg said...

Hey Terina. That made me sad reading that, one because I've experienced your feelings and also because I was one of the said "friends" who said would come, but then wasn't able to come. I do think you’re right about the assessment of why some or a lot of our associations are only casual "friends" and not much else beyond, "Hi, how are you" - it is much safer there and easy. The big question is, why do we do that? I guess everyone’s answer could be different, but I do think it is because there isn't a lot of emotional attachment that expands past the "hellos"- like you said.

I am sorry it didn't plan out as you had hoped it would :( Thanks for sharing. I think we can all learn a little more about being a better friend and not just a "friend." Thanks for being so positive about the situation and sharing with us some of your insight.

PS- you can call me anytime Sista :D

Britta Mosman said...

Oh Terina, I'm so sorry!! I agree with you and Meg! I too was one that ended up not being able to make it :( I feel ya! I too feel the exact same way. All my friends that I am close to live too far away and it is tough (like you said) to make new close friends as an adult who is married and has kids. Lets be friends! :) I do work and my baby is still not on a schedule but hey I can chat and hang out when I'm not working :)

Ali said...

Oh sweeite! I knew my post partum self with 4 kiddos would not do well but I'm so sad that I didn't just do it anyways! You'd have helped....... Way to be turning it around in your head, you're such a great example! I need to book a massage and we can get intimate, k that doesn't sound good but you know what I mean! It's totally a therapy session as well right?! Hang in there, girlfriends are sooooo important and what have we got to lose by being open/honest with each other right?! xo's!!