Monday, September 20, 2010


This is another subject that has been getting stuck in my head.  My fertility, or infertility, or the limbo in between.  Obviously I'm not completely infertile, I popped out Croix.  BUT it was not easy, was not as planned, was not fast (or even within the normal amount of time expected to conceive), was not cheap, at times was not pleasant.  I was hoping beyond hope that after conceiving and having a baby my body would "figure it out".  I know this happens.  There are people who struggle for years to conceive their first child and then think they are going to continue to have difficulties and then ooops end up pregnant with number two when number one is like 6 months old.  I've had friends who that has happened to.  I was hoping that would be the case for us (minus the oops pregnancy, still think I need more space between children then that).

I had 2 good normal seeming periods while still nursing.  This made me hopeful that I was ovulating.  The first month after weaning, nice normal period.  It included cramps, a bit of moodiness, headaches, and regular flow.  VERY optimistic at that point my body was going to be "normal"!  That it had "figured it out".  Well here I period number two after weaning and I am at 3 1/2 weeks of just spotting.  (I'm sorry if this is too much female reproduction talk for you!  It's stuck in my head, I need to get it out so I can stop obsessing about it)  That is obviously not normal.  Not normal, but typical for me.  It is also a sign of non ovulation.  As unpleasant as PMS is I long for it.  That is a sign of good healthy normal ovulation.  That's why we as women experience PMS, we ovulate.  All these not normal, non ovulating signs make me think of the friends who's bodies did not figure it out.  They struggled with the first, and just as much with the 2nd, OR have not been able to conceive again.  They just have their one little miracle.  Then fear creeps in.  What if that is me.  I love Croix more then words.  I understand the incalculable blessing he is, but my heart longs for another child.  I dream of having a little girl someday.  Strange that I use the word longs and at the same time I know I'm not quite ready.

I was talking to a friend the other day who is trying to conceive (ttc).  She has a twisted ovary.  It has caused her pain off and on.  The other day they were supposed to do the baby dance it "flared up"  (probably because she was ovulating).  So they didn't do the baby dance, it was too painful.  Before I even thought of the words coming out of my mouth I heard myself saying
"At least you have the luxury of choosing to not do the baby dance.  When we were trying to conceive Croix we did not.  We were spending hundreds of dollars on medications, who's job it was to make me ovulate.  This made my ovaries over sized, which made the baby dance very painful.  I couldn't just not do the baby dance though, nor was the pain enough to deter me from doing so, trying, to make a baby.  So I would have to put a pillow over my face and tell Brent to just do it."

I could not do the, at that point, painful baby dance with out cringing in pain.  Brent could not do the baby dance looking at my pain filled face.  We could not, not do the baby dance.  So that's the way it worked, fruitlessly.

After I got off the phone with her I got to thinking about that.  It's a little like the discomfort of pregnancy, pains of labor, we forget so that we will have more children.  I had forgotten just exactly how miserably awful it was.  The comment I made to her made me remember.  Then it made me scared.  I really do not want to go through that again.  Not just the physical toll of fertility treatments but the emotional toll of it all.

I decided to call my OBGYN.  I asked them how long it normally takes for ovulation to resume after weaning, knowing that it is different for everyone and there is no real normal, I just wanted a general idea.  They said 3-6 months.  They also said since I'd had difficulties before it could take even longer.  In my perfect world I will be getting pregnant in about 8 months.  So that should be fine.  I should not be expecting "normal" ovulation yet anyway.  I need to calm down.

I told myself I would not have any expectations.  I would not anticipate difficulties with number two.  I would not anticipate a quick and easy conception either.  I was just going to be.  Just let it be what it was, worry about it when I got to the point of seriously wanting to get pregnant.  I think I need to get back to that.  Be aware, chart, do what I can to be prepared but don't worry yet.  Not yet.

Worry fixes nothing.  If there is nothing I can do there is no point in worrying.  Acknowledge the fear tell it hello, let it pass on by, do not let it stay.

Maybe another post can address how knowing fear and faith can not coexist also runs through my mind.

1 comment:

Alan and Abby said...


I am from the 2ofus4now group, and I really appreciate that you posted this on your blog. Is is totally normal for you to be fearful at this time. Fertility treatments are painful and scary. Like you mentioned, however, faith will have to move in eventually as you tell yourself, "come what may, and love it."

I hope you don't mind if I follow your blog. I have a fertility blog, too. You are welcome to read it as well: