True love stories never have endings. ~Richard Bach
Friday, September 17, 2010
I've decided to make myself vulnerable. I'm struggling. As I've talked to a few friends about it I've realized I'm not alone. Maybe in sharing, my struggle can be of help to someone, or I can find help myself.
I was sitting on my floor a few days a go watching tv. A commercial for a depression medication came on describing depression symptoms. Before when I'd heard this same commercial and they asked are you....? Do you feel....? I'd thought nope! I'm so happy and in love with my life! The other day as they asked the same questions I found myself thinking yes, yes, yes. the more the commercial whet on the more I identified with it. I thought nah I can't be depressed. Through out the day I kept coming back to that same thought, could I be depressed?
As I let go of a little bit of pride I realized am I. The way I've been feeling lately can be summed up pretty well by depression. I feel like I want to cry all too often. Over nothing. I just feel sad. More and more often this seems to be happening. I find myself being constantly tired. I get sufficient sleep (if not more then sufficient) and still feel tired through out the day, want to nap, just feel tired. Always tired. I can't seem to find motivation to do much of anything. The other day I was sitting on the computer during Croix's nap time playing a stupid game. In my head I'm thinking get off the computer!! What is wrong with you? You have a million things to do! Why can't you just get up and get off the computer?!?! Yet I couldn't! I just sat here. Mindlessly playing the stupid game until Croix woke up. Then I hated myself for doing it. Where did my motivation go? I also seem to be finding myself plummeting in negative thought patterns. I've been so hard on myself lately. I've been dwelling on the negative. Rather then finding the positive I've been looking for the negative. I've been letting fears, doubts, disappointments just linger. I'm overwhelmed.
I am not myself.
As I let the reality sink in that, I am suffering from depression I start asking myself why? What's so wrong with my life that I'm depressed? Although I have been dealing with quite a bit lately I can not find one major thing that I can say, yes it must be____. I can list a bunch of things that have been going on, some bigger then others, some honestly small. Maybe it's a culmination of all these things.
I think I've got some hormonal things going on. As I tried to consciously think about when I started feeling this way I think it all started around the time I weaned Croix. Maybe it's like postpartum, only post weaning. I don't know. (I find myself thinking that a lot...I don't know, I just don't know)
I realized it one day. Admitted it.
The next day I told Brent. Depression runs in my family. My Dad suffered from depression about my entire life. (How else to you explain why a person would spend so much time in bed in a dark room?) I know of other family members that have struggled with it. I also know if ignored, untreated, it can lead to thoughts of hurting, your self, or others, suicide. I might be sad but I know my life is blessed and very worth living.
The next day I made an action plan.
I've been trying to follow my action plan. I'll confess it's not easy. I feel a little like I'm forcing myself to be happy. It is helping. I think just realizing, acknowledge it, has made it a little better. Nope not better, just easier to understand.
I'm going to give my action plan a couple weeks. If I still am finding myself just feeling sad I will go talk to a Dr. If at any point I have thoughts of hurting myself I will go talk to the Dr.
Right now I'm finding happiness in the joy of my son. Support in the strength, love, encouragement and help of my husband. Validation in the wise words of close friends.
My Action Plan
Bust This Funk!!!
Read Scriptures 15 min. every day
Pray, with thought and sincerity twice a day
Leave the house more often
Go the the gym 3 times a week
Read a book
Follow my cleaning chart
Stop it! (negative thoughts)
Give more hugs
Ask for help if I need it
Unplug (from the computer, and tv)
I've also asked Brent to have me report my day to him. The thought being if I'm accountable for my day I'll be less likely to sit around and do nothing but rot in my own stink and bad thoughts. So here I go. Let the healing begin.