As per my action plan I am going to write about some of the things that have contributed to my funk. For me writing has always been a method of self discovery. In getting my thoughts out of my head they become clearer, less overwhelming, easier to process, solvable.
First. Today is a better day. Not perfect. Still sad moments.
When I was talking to Brent about how I've been feeling I found myself saying "I feel lost". He asked me how or why. I didn't have an answer. I just knew that's how I felt. I think part of the reason I feel lost is because I don't feel like me. This sad person who feels weepy is not me. I'm a happy, optimistic, person with a motto of "there's always a positive". I'm the person who in the midst of the heart break and anguish of infertility sat down and wrote a list of things I was grateful for that were directly related to my infertility. That's who I am!
I've also been thinking a lot about the Mom, Wife, Woman I want to be. The person I picture myself as. I realized that there is a big gap between the person I want to be and the person that I actually am. I read others blogs, status updates, posts and think yes that sounds like who I want to be.
I want to be a crafty Mom. Who makes things from scratch. Who has a sewing machine. Who turns $3 T-shirts in to super cute trendy shirts. Who sews her own dresses. Who makes beautiful curtains. Etc.
I want to be a Wife that cooks amazing meals. Who tires new recipes. Who makes healthy dinners. Who is organic. Who doesn't feed her family processed foods stuffed full of hormones, antibiotics, pesticides, preservatives. Etc.
I want to be a creative Woman who takes beautiful pictures. Who captures just the right moment. Who finds the prefect lighting. Who has time to not only take, but edit said perfect shots. Etc.
I want to be the Mom who teaches sign language. The Woman who is intelligent and has smart interesting things to say. The Wife who is endlessly supportive, non complaining, and good. I want to be a Woman who gives of service. The list goes on. I want to be better.
None of these desires are wrong. I would say they are all great! Worthy ambitions and qualities to posses. Nothing wrong to set goals to become more like that. To be able to do those things. Perhaps though slightly unrealistic to believe that I should be able to do all those things at once, right now, presto-change-o I'm amazing. Not ok to get down on myself or to be hard on myself that I am NOT all those things right now. Or that when I tried to be I failed. Rather then thinking about how I didn't have time to finish the bibs I was so excited about I should say yes but I tried, I can go back to them, even if I don't, that's ok. Give myself credit that we have had some delicious meals around here lately. New recipes that have turned out great. That I've dedicated a great deal of time to those and they were awesome! Rather then being discouraged that I did NOT edit a single picture from Croix's Birthday party I should feel accomplished in finding the time in my day to document that event in my son's life.
Deep breath. Ahhhh. Feels a little better just giving myself permission to not be who I want to be. Life is meant for growing and learning. I'm learning. I'm growing. Skills are not instantaneous.
I also think I need to decide what's really important to me. What skills and qualities really are important to ME. Maybe all of those will be important. But I need to reevaluate and make sure.
I do want to clarify I wasn't comparing myself to others (not too much anyway) and thinking well so-and-so can do this so I should be able to. I don't feel like I was comparing myself to say YOU I was just making this perfect version of me in my head, and then thinking I needed to be that NOW. Maybe I can be that person, in time. If I love myself, and give myself the things I need to develop and grow into that.
Maybe I need to start being ok with being me again. Terina, who is not so great at finishing projects. Is just learning about photography. Doesn't own a sewing machine. Is passionate (humm maybe I need to find some more passion in my life). Who tries very hard. Is creative. Is smart. Is finding my way. Is spiritual. Is imperfect.
I did ok on my action plan today. Not perfect (the days not done yet though right :), but that's ok. I'm giving myself permission to not do it all. Even if it all will help. One step at a time, one day at a time. I'm doing better then yesterday and that is enough for today.
That is all for today. I think writing and exercise and prayer will be my best friends here for a while.