Tuesday, September 28, 2010


I've been wondering when Croix would start transitioning from two naps to one.  According to my sleep bible Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child this transition usually happens between 12-18 months.  {this seems like a huge span of time that this could happen in.  I wish I could just know, at exactly 15 mo he will need to transition}  So I've kept my eye out for signs that Croix is ready to make this step toward toddlerhood. 
I thought he had very clearly told me he was ready last week.  He refused to take his AM nap last Sunday.  I was frustrated it was Sunday he decided to do this.  Any other day I would have kept him up a little longer and tried again.  We couldn't do that since church was a little later.  Which left Croix awake 4 hours past his normal nap time.  I was completely paranoid he was going to melt down at church!  To my astonishment he did not.  He was super tired but he mostly got cuddly.  He did just fine until we could return home to his crib that he is so well trained to sleep in.  When he finally got to his crib he slept over 2 hrs!  The next day he slept almost 2 hrs for his AM nap and then refused a PM nap and seemed fine.  I took this as, the time has come, we are moving on to one nap. 
The next two days I kept him up later then normal and put him down and let him sleep to his hearts content.  Each time the nap neared two hours.  Yet at about 4:30 each day he started to be very cranky and could not stand himself {I couldn't either}.  Maybe I was wrong I thought.
I decided maybe I just need to take more control of his naps.  That is what I've done.  I restrict how long he sleeps in the morning.  Usually I don't allow him to sleep longer then 45 min.  Then I'll go and wake him up.  Because of this I've started putting him down about 30 min. later then usual.  Then I put him down for his PM nap the same time.  It's working great!  He gets the little rest he needs in the morning and then takes a nice long PM nap! 
I know the transition is coming soon.  For now this is a good solution for us.  Speaking of it's time to go wake my little angel from his peaceful slumber.  {I never thought I'd wake a sleeping baby!  HA!  Maybe that doesn't apply to him anymore since he seems to be a full blown toddler now}

The Spirit Teaches

I went to the General Relief Society meeting on Saturday.  How is it that I heard exactly what I needed to hear?  I bet you heard exactly what you needed to hear too.  I also bet it wasn't the same thing.  I have a sneaky feeling it's because the spirit is what teaches us, not the speakers.  They invited the spirit and I came prepared to be taught.  I prayed fervently before hand that I would receive the guidance I needed at this time in my life.  That is exactly what I received.  Want to know a couple things the spirit taught me, or reminded me?
  • I need to get back to the basics; prayer, scripture study, seeking inspiration in my life. 
  • Giving personal service builds us.
  • I need to love my husband.  Love my Child.  Strengthen my home. {I feel like that is all I really need to do right now! Focus on those simple things}
  • Have a perfect brightness of hope.
  • We are surrounded by those in need.
  • Charity is the opposite of judging and gossip.
  • To pity distress is human, to relive it is God like.  {I have some God like people in my life who have succored me in my times of trial.  How comforting it is to have friends who read about my hard time right now and rather then just thinking oh how sad came and did something!  Invited me over.  Called and talked to me.  You guys have dearly touched my heart!  Thank you!}
  • I wear the mantel of Charity {I want to do some gospel study on this to better understand what this means.  I've never heard this phrase before.  I've heard men wear the mantel of the priesthood but never how women wear the mantel of Charity.}

Favorite quote
"If you judge people you have no time to love them"  Mother Theresa As quoted by President Monson

What did the spirit teach or remind you?

Friday, September 24, 2010


Last weekend I did pretty well.  Felt better.  Not quite me but better.  Sunday, especially at church was good.  Then Sunday even I just started to feel myself fall into a slump.  Monday was bad.  Tuesday was even worse.  I cried Monday night and then again Tuesday morning.  There was no reason.  I just felt overwhelmingly sad and like I needed to cry.  I have not really let myself cry despite feeling like I've been on the verge of tears so often.  My eyes would be teary and I'd tell myself to stop it.  There's nothing wrong, no reason to cry.  But I finally let myself cry.  It didn't really feel like it helped that much.  Maybe it did thought.  I asked Brent for a blessing Tuesday night.  I prayed so very hard before hand.  I needed guidance, comfort, peace.  That's mostly what I prayed for, peace.  That is exactly what I got.  I got answers, I received comfort, I felt the love of my Heavenly Father.  I've felt much better since then.  I've been working hard on my action plan.  Getting out of the house, exercising, praying, reading the scriptures.  At the same time I've been very forgiving when I don't get as much accomplished as I want to.  I'm not getting down on myself, that is good!  So here it is Friday, three good days in a row!  I'm hopeful this is going to be the new trend.  I found myself saying "I don't know" a lot, about a lot of different things.  I came to the conclusion I don't know much right now but I do know:

The Lord loves me.
Brent Loves me.
I will be ok!

I did learn that it IS normal to experience depression following weaning.  Just google, depression weaning.  Page after page will come up.  The good news is from what I read it normally doesn't last too long.  Also  exercise is always helpful with depression.  I know I'm taking the right steps to take care of myself.  I also realized I think I had a bit of shut in syndrome (thanks Erin for the term).  No wonder I was depressed, I wasn't leaving the house!  That will do it to anyone!  Sheesh!
Well Croix is up from his nap and calling for me (crying) better run and snuggle him!

Monday, September 20, 2010


This is another subject that has been getting stuck in my head.  My fertility, or infertility, or the limbo in between.  Obviously I'm not completely infertile, I popped out Croix.  BUT it was not easy, was not as planned, was not fast (or even within the normal amount of time expected to conceive), was not cheap, at times was not pleasant.  I was hoping beyond hope that after conceiving and having a baby my body would "figure it out".  I know this happens.  There are people who struggle for years to conceive their first child and then think they are going to continue to have difficulties and then ooops end up pregnant with number two when number one is like 6 months old.  I've had friends who that has happened to.  I was hoping that would be the case for us (minus the oops pregnancy, still think I need more space between children then that).

I had 2 good normal seeming periods while still nursing.  This made me hopeful that I was ovulating.  The first month after weaning, nice normal period.  It included cramps, a bit of moodiness, headaches, and regular flow.  VERY optimistic at that point my body was going to be "normal"!  That it had "figured it out".  Well here I period number two after weaning and I am at 3 1/2 weeks of just spotting.  (I'm sorry if this is too much female reproduction talk for you!  It's stuck in my head, I need to get it out so I can stop obsessing about it)  That is obviously not normal.  Not normal, but typical for me.  It is also a sign of non ovulation.  As unpleasant as PMS is I long for it.  That is a sign of good healthy normal ovulation.  That's why we as women experience PMS, we ovulate.  All these not normal, non ovulating signs make me think of the friends who's bodies did not figure it out.  They struggled with the first, and just as much with the 2nd, OR have not been able to conceive again.  They just have their one little miracle.  Then fear creeps in.  What if that is me.  I love Croix more then words.  I understand the incalculable blessing he is, but my heart longs for another child.  I dream of having a little girl someday.  Strange that I use the word longs and at the same time I know I'm not quite ready.

I was talking to a friend the other day who is trying to conceive (ttc).  She has a twisted ovary.  It has caused her pain off and on.  The other day they were supposed to do the baby dance it "flared up"  (probably because she was ovulating).  So they didn't do the baby dance, it was too painful.  Before I even thought of the words coming out of my mouth I heard myself saying
"At least you have the luxury of choosing to not do the baby dance.  When we were trying to conceive Croix we did not.  We were spending hundreds of dollars on medications, who's job it was to make me ovulate.  This made my ovaries over sized, which made the baby dance very painful.  I couldn't just not do the baby dance though, nor was the pain enough to deter me from doing so, trying, to make a baby.  So I would have to put a pillow over my face and tell Brent to just do it."

I could not do the, at that point, painful baby dance with out cringing in pain.  Brent could not do the baby dance looking at my pain filled face.  We could not, not do the baby dance.  So that's the way it worked, fruitlessly.

After I got off the phone with her I got to thinking about that.  It's a little like the discomfort of pregnancy, pains of labor, we forget so that we will have more children.  I had forgotten just exactly how miserably awful it was.  The comment I made to her made me remember.  Then it made me scared.  I really do not want to go through that again.  Not just the physical toll of fertility treatments but the emotional toll of it all.

I decided to call my OBGYN.  I asked them how long it normally takes for ovulation to resume after weaning, knowing that it is different for everyone and there is no real normal, I just wanted a general idea.  They said 3-6 months.  They also said since I'd had difficulties before it could take even longer.  In my perfect world I will be getting pregnant in about 8 months.  So that should be fine.  I should not be expecting "normal" ovulation yet anyway.  I need to calm down.

I told myself I would not have any expectations.  I would not anticipate difficulties with number two.  I would not anticipate a quick and easy conception either.  I was just going to be.  Just let it be what it was, worry about it when I got to the point of seriously wanting to get pregnant.  I think I need to get back to that.  Be aware, chart, do what I can to be prepared but don't worry yet.  Not yet.

Worry fixes nothing.  If there is nothing I can do there is no point in worrying.  Acknowledge the fear tell it hello, let it pass on by, do not let it stay.

Maybe another post can address how knowing fear and faith can not coexist also runs through my mind.


I've been working with Croix to teach him a few words in sign language.  Wait a few is one too many.  A couple!  He's picked on really well!  Fast too!  He now knows done and more.  I decided I was tired of him throwing half his avocado on the floor for Rusty to eat.  I didn't spend $1 on an avocado for the dog!  So I taught him done.  That way I would know if he was done eating or just playing.  Let's face it how else was he going to tell me he was done other then throwing food over the edge of his tray?  Well now he has a way.  It's great.  I can also ask him "Are you done or do you want more?"  when he cleans off his tray.  I'm trying to add some new signs in, broaden his vocabulary.  So excited to be able to better communicate with my child!!!

I found a great sign language resource here.

Saturday, September 18, 2010


I've been a working woman since before I was a woman!  My first job was in the 5th grade.  I babysat my teachers daughter after school while she finished working for $5 a week.  I thought I was rich!  Then I did house keeping at 14 or 15, until the people in the office found out I was so young, that ended that.  When I was 16 I got my first full time summer job.  Since turning 18 I've had a full time job.  Besides one stint of unemployment in LA I've been a working girl ever since.  Even after Croix was born I "went back to work".  That is one of the blessings and joys of being a Massage Therapist, I got to work, from my home, very part time, and still make a decent amount of money.  I felt as though my clientele, the amount of work I did, was perfect.  I had clients that had been coming to me for years.  I averaged 2 or 3 massages a week.  It was enough work for me to feel I contributed to my house hold, provide me a little time "away" from my life as a stay at  home mom, not so much that I felt "mom guilt" for leaving Croix, gave me the opportunity to continue to do what I love.

Now most of my clients have moved away, or had their businesses fail and can no longer afford massage.  I no longer have any predictable, reliable clients.  I have no clue if next week I will be working at all or not.  I do still have clients who come and see me they are just not my "regulars".  It's kind of messing with my psyche a little.

Who am I if I'm not Terina the Massage Therapist?  It's been such a huge part of my identity for so many years it feels weird to not have the same business that I had for years.  I loved being self employed.  I felt accomplished in the fact that I had built a clientele, established my own business, maintained those clients.  Despite the fact that I still have clients it feels very different now that I don't have any regular once a week clients.

I feel a little like this wonderful part of me is being wasted.  Massage is something I'm good at.  No I'm great at!  I've heard more times than I can count "that was be best massage I've ever had".  I've heard that from people who have had hundreds of massages, all over the world.  I feel confidant in my skills.  I love sharing them with others.

I think at least in some small measure working helped fill a social need.  Usually people like to talk during a massage, even if that's just for 5 minutes.  You might be surprised how intimate the conversations can get.  For some reason people feel comfortable opening up while getting massages.  I love feeling like people can trust me with such private details of their lives.  Also this is going to sound very voodoo, new age, but even if they just want to lay on the massage table and quietly enjoy their massage I still am in tune to their body.  I still hear what it is telling me.  I find those little spots that need extra attention.  I communicate with their body.  (I know sounds crazy, but it's true.)

I enjoyed contributing to our families income.  Even when I was only working an average of 3 massages a week that was still our mortgage.  I used to make more money then Brent, substantially more.  I secretly enjoyed that, knowing it wouldn't always be that way I enjoyed the moment of being the primary bread winner.  It's a little difficult for me to not contribute anything at times, especially when we are coming into our "poor time of year" (post on that later?).

Consciously I want to be a stay at home Mom.  Thought I'd be happy not working.  Maybe I will be, when I figure out who I am if I'm not Terina, the Massage Therapist.

Tender Mercies

I forgot to mention this, and feel it very important to do so.

Before I posted anything I prayed.  The Lord heard me.

I got a text from a friend who, to be quite honest I only casually keep in touch with.  We don't talk regularly.  Actually hardly ever, mostly just text, but more then that we are blogger buddies.  Anyway she text me and said, how are you?  I've always felt comfortable with her.  Always felt I could trust her.  Her blog is very honest.  I read her blog and find myself thinking how brave she is for sharing and saying things I'm sure most of us think but never say.  It's her that gave me the inspiration and courage to publicly work through this time and trial in my life.  Seeing as I trust her I said, Ok, I think I'm a little depressed.  *not so easy to say!*  We had a nice little conversation.  Thank you Heavenly Father for sending the right friend to ask the right question at the right time.  Thank you Lisa for being in tune with the spirit enough to be a tool in the Lords hands that day.

Then later that day another friend text me and asked if she should break her wonderful routine that she has and come to the park with Croix and I.  I went to the park with her and other friends from the neighborhood.  How nice it was to be included and get out of the house.  Thank you Ali for being in tune enough with the spirit that day to be a tool in the Lords hands.

What a wonderful blessing it is to be a recipient of one our Heavenly Fathers many tender mercies.  To be reminded that he truly is our Father and he really does love me!

Maybe for my 15 minutes of scripture reading today I will read this talk about the Lords Tender Mercies.

Friday, September 17, 2010


As per my action plan I am going to write about some of the things that have contributed to my funk.  For me writing has always been a method of self discovery.  In getting my thoughts out of my head they become clearer, less overwhelming, easier to process, solvable.

First.  Today is a better day.  Not perfect.  Still sad moments.

When I was talking to Brent about how I've been feeling I found myself saying "I feel lost".  He asked me how or why.  I didn't have an answer.  I just knew that's how I felt.  I think part of the reason I feel lost is because I don't feel like me.  This sad person who feels weepy is not me.  I'm a happy, optimistic, person with a motto of  "there's always a positive".  I'm the person who in the midst of the heart break and anguish of infertility sat down and wrote a list of things I was grateful for that were directly related to my infertility.  That's who I am!

I've also been thinking a lot about the Mom, Wife, Woman I want to be.  The person I picture myself as.  I realized that there is a big gap between the person I want to be and the person that I actually am.  I read others blogs, status updates, posts and think yes that sounds like who I want to be.
I want to be a crafty Mom.  Who makes things from scratch.  Who has a sewing machine.  Who turns $3 T-shirts in to super cute trendy shirts.  Who sews her own dresses.  Who makes beautiful curtains.  Etc.
I want to be a Wife that cooks amazing meals.  Who tires new recipes.  Who makes healthy dinners.  Who is organic.  Who doesn't feed her family processed foods stuffed full of hormones, antibiotics, pesticides, preservatives. Etc.
I want to be a creative Woman who takes beautiful pictures.  Who captures just the right moment.  Who finds the prefect lighting.  Who has time to not only take, but edit said perfect shots.  Etc.
I want to be the Mom who teaches sign language.  The Woman who is intelligent and has smart interesting things to say.  The Wife who is endlessly supportive, non complaining, and good.  I want to be a Woman who gives of service.  The list goes on.  I want to be better.
None of these desires are wrong.  I would say they are all great!  Worthy ambitions and qualities to posses.  Nothing wrong to set goals to become more like that.  To be able to do those things. Perhaps though slightly unrealistic to believe that I should be able to do all those things at once, right now, presto-change-o I'm amazing.  Not ok to get down on myself or to be hard on myself that I am NOT all those things right now.  Or that when I tried to be I failed.  Rather then thinking about how I didn't have time to finish the bibs I was so excited about I should say yes but I tried, I can go back to them, even if I don't, that's ok.  Give myself credit that we have had some delicious meals around here lately.  New recipes that have turned out great.  That I've dedicated a great deal of time to those and they were awesome!  Rather then being discouraged that I did NOT edit a single picture from Croix's Birthday party I should feel accomplished in finding the time in my day to document that event in my son's life.

Deep breath.  Ahhhh.  Feels a little better just giving myself permission to not be who I want to be.  Life is meant for growing and learning.  I'm learning.  I'm growing.  Skills are not instantaneous.

I also think I need to decide what's really important to me.  What skills and qualities really are important to ME.  Maybe all of those will be important.  But I need to reevaluate and make sure.

I do want to clarify I wasn't comparing myself to others (not too much anyway) and thinking well so-and-so can do this so I should be able to.  I don't feel like I was comparing myself to say YOU I was just making this perfect version of me in my head, and then thinking I needed to be that NOW.  Maybe I can be that person, in time.   If I love myself, and give myself the things I need to develop and grow into that.

Maybe I need to start being ok with being me again.  Terina, who is not so great at finishing projects.  Is just learning about photography.  Doesn't own a sewing machine.  Is passionate (humm maybe I need to find some more passion in my life).  Who tries very hard.  Is creative.  Is smart.  Is finding my way.  Is spiritual.    Is imperfect.

I did ok on my action plan today.  Not perfect (the days not done yet though right :), but that's ok.  I'm giving myself permission to not do it all.  Even if it all will help.  One step at a time, one day at a time.  I'm doing better then yesterday and that is enough for today.

That is all for today.  I think writing and exercise and prayer will be my best friends here for a while.


I've decided to make myself vulnerable. I'm struggling. As I've talked to a few friends about it I've realized I'm not alone. Maybe in sharing, my struggle can be of help to someone, or I can find help myself.

I was sitting on my floor a few days a go watching tv. A commercial for a depression medication came on describing depression symptoms.  Before when I'd heard this same commercial and they asked are you....? Do you feel....? I'd thought nope! I'm so happy and in love with my life! The other day as they asked the same questions I found myself thinking yes, yes, yes.  the more the commercial whet on the more I identified with it. I thought nah I can't be depressed. Through out the day I kept coming back to that same thought, could I be depressed?  

As I let go of a little bit of pride I realized am I. The way I've been feeling lately can be summed up pretty well by depression. I feel like I want to cry all too often. Over nothing. I just feel sad. More and more often this seems to be happening. I find myself being constantly tired. I get sufficient sleep (if not more then sufficient) and still feel tired through out the day, want to nap, just feel tired. Always tired. I can't seem to find motivation to do much of anything. The other day I was sitting on the computer during Croix's nap time playing a stupid game. In my head I'm thinking get off the computer!! What is wrong with you? You have a million things to do! Why can't you just get up and get off the computer?!?! Yet I couldn't! I just sat here. Mindlessly playing the stupid game until Croix woke up. Then I hated myself for doing it. Where did my motivation go? I also seem to be finding myself plummeting in negative thought patterns. I've been so hard on myself lately. I've been dwelling on the negative. Rather then finding the positive I've been looking for the negative. I've been letting fears, doubts, disappointments just linger. I'm overwhelmed.

I am not myself.

As I let the reality sink in that, I am suffering from depression I start asking myself why? What's so wrong with my life that I'm depressed? Although I have been dealing with quite a bit lately I can not find one major thing that I can say, yes it must be____. I can list a bunch of things that have been going on, some bigger then others, some honestly small. Maybe it's a culmination of all these things.

I think I've got some hormonal things going on. As I tried to consciously think about when I started feeling this way I think it all started around the time I weaned Croix. Maybe it's like postpartum, only post weaning. I don't know. (I find myself thinking that a lot...I don't know, I just don't know)

I realized it one day. Admitted it.

The next day I told Brent. Depression runs in my family. My Dad suffered from depression about my entire life. (How else to you explain why a person would spend so much time in bed in a dark room?) I know of other family members that have struggled with it. I also know if ignored, untreated, it can lead to thoughts of hurting, your self, or others, suicide. I might be sad but I know my life is blessed and very worth living.

The next day I made an action plan.

I've been trying to follow my action plan. I'll confess it's not easy. I feel a little like I'm forcing myself to be happy. It is helping. I think just realizing, acknowledge it, has made it a little better. Nope not better, just easier to understand.

I'm going to give my action plan a couple weeks. If I still am finding myself just feeling sad I will go talk to a Dr. If at any point I have thoughts of hurting myself I will go talk to the Dr.

Right now I'm finding happiness in the joy of my son.
Support in the strength, love, encouragement and help of my husband.
Validation in the wise words of close friends.

My Action Plan
Bust This Funk!!!
  • Read Scriptures 15 min. every day
  • Pray, with thought and sincerity twice a day
  • Shower
  • Get dressed
  • Leave the house more often
  • Go the the gym 3 times a week
  • Read a book
  • Follow my cleaning chart
  • Stop it! (negative thoughts)
  • Give service
  • Give more hugs
  • Ask for help if I need it
  • Love
  • Breathe
  • Be grateful
  • Journal/blog
  • Unplug (from the computer, and tv)
I've also asked Brent to have me report my day to him. The thought being if I'm accountable for my day I'll be less likely to sit around and do nothing but rot in my own stink and bad thoughts. So here I go. Let the healing begin.

I know I will be ok!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Poor Mentality

I realized the other day that my poor mentality that I developed as a child is holding me back from being the best person I can be, the person I want to be.   I grew up poor, really poor.  I'm the oldest of 7 kids and had a Dad that was unemployeed the majority of my life.  We lived off welfare and the goodness of other peoples hearts.  I remember as a child worrying that there wouldn't be enough money for food, or that we would loose our house because there wasn't enough money.  (I actually even paid our mortage once when I was like 16 or 17).  Because of that I feel like I have a deep rooted poor mentality.  I realized a part of this years ago.  Being poor in my home it seemed like people owed it to us.  I don't know what it was or is but I learned to be ungrateful.  When people were generous to us or me it seemed like they owed it to me to be generous.  I don't know why but that's they way I thought. As soon as I consciously realized that's what I thought I worked very hard to change that.  To be more grateful to others for their kindness and generosity.  It is still something I have to be consciously aware of, but over the years I feel I've become more grateful.

As of recently I realized being generous is not something that naturally or quickly comes to my mind.  It's always a second thought.  Even with stupid stuff like food.  When we have people over for dinner, because of my poor mentality it crosses my mind that the food our guest will be eating will not be left overs, so I'm "loosing money" having people over.  Really who even thinks of that kind of stuff?  It's not like we can't afford it.  I'm constantly trying to save money, in the stupidest little ways.  Ways that probably don't really help, but I think about it.  I feel like rather then being the generous giving person I want to be I'm greedy and selfish.  Because in my mind everything has a $ dollar sign on it.  I'm glad I've become aware of this, so that I can improve.

I prayed for help in over coming this poor mentality and opportunities to give.  Later that week I made dinner and realized there was going to be TONS of left overs.  My instinctual thought was to keep it for left overs, or put it in the freezer for later.  Then I realized I had been blessed with an answer to my prayers.  I called a neighbor who is a working mom, who also had Young Womens that night.  I asked if she had made dinner yet, or had something planed.  She did not.  So I asked if I could bring her dinner.  When I dropped it off she said it was an answer to prayer.  Little did she know it was an answer to my prayer too.  I'm so glad the Lord loves us.  I'm so grateful that through the atonement I can change deep rooted thought processes, change who I  am and become more like my Saviour.

Happy Birthday Brent

Happy Birthday Brent!!!!

Brent's birthday was on Monday.  He's 31 now!  We love him so much!  We did just what Brent wanted to do on his birthday, nothing.  I can understand that with how busy he is with work and school.  He just wanted a day to relax.  So we went to the aquarium and then just played all day with Croix.  It was a great day.  I made key lime pie for his birthday.  It was pretty tasty!
Isn't he just dreamy!


Brent won  tickets to the Sea Life Aquarium at the Arizona Mills mall for participating in the van pool program through his work.  I had heard about the new aquarium and wanted to check it out so I was super excited to have free tickets!  I was a little concerned that Croix was too little and wouldn't really enjoy it.  HE LOVED IT!!!
You can hardly see either of them but there's a puffer fish and a cool looking fish I don't know what it is in the background.

Croix would just stair at the fish and follow them with his hand.
Croix & Mommy in a bubble
They had a lot of these bubbles where you could stand up in them and it felt like you were in the tank.
They had all sorts of discovery learning centers.  Croix was obviously too young for them but still had fun playing with them.

Yep that fish is bigger then Croix

Shark, stink ray and a giant fish.  HOW COOL!

After we got done with the aquarium we bought a milk shake to share.  Croix thought it was the best thing he'd ever tasted!
This is what Croix thought of the milk shake

Like father like son.  Enjoying a nice cool treat.

*The following pictures were taken in the same settings I had the camera on for the aquarium....dark.  So they are not such great quality but super cute none the less.
Croix sure enjoying riding on Mommas shoulders.

He even snuggles my head and makes sweet humming, happy noises!

We really enjoyed the aquarium.  THey had some awesome fish.  I would definitely recommend it!


We have all been grieving the loss of Bosco, well maybe not Croix.  Thankfully he hasn't seemed to even notice he's not around anymore.  Rusty on the other hand has been having the hardest time with it.  We've had Rusty since he was a puppy so he has had Bosco as a companion almost his whole life, over two years.  He pretty much fell apart after Bosco died. At first he would run all over as if looking for Bosco.  He'd go in and out the dogie door, up and down the stairs, from one room to the next.  Then he would just lay in his little corner and barely left his same little spot all day.  Normally after eating ice cream I'll let him lick my bowl clean.  He would hear the clank of my spoon on the bowl and run over to wait.  While he was grieving he wouldn't even come over after I had put my bowl on the floor.  He was just so sad and broken.  It was heart breaking!

Nights were the hardest for him.  Bosco and Rusty used to sleep in the laundry room.  It was like their kennel.  At night all we'd do is say "go to bed" and they would both get up and walk into the laundry room, lay down in their beds, and quietly stay there until the next morning.   After Bosco passed Rusty freaked out in the laundry room.  He'd scratch and scratch trying to get out, bark and howl.  He scratched a chunk out of our door and dug the linoleum up off the floor.  Clearly putting him in the laundry room was not working.  So I thought "Rusty is older and not really chewing anymore (the reason they slept in the laundry room is because Rusty was such a naughty puppy and would chew up everything in sight) maybe he would be ok out at night by himself".  That night we let him just be down stairs.  He wined and barked until we took down the baby gate at the bottom of the stairs so he could come upstairs.  Then he peed and pooped everywhere that night.  Clearly that didn't work.  So we tried to kennel him.  We had not been successful with that when he was a puppy but thought maybe we could give it a try again.  He tried digging out of it all night long.  Tore up pillows, and a dog bed.  He barked and howled all night waking us up at 3, 4, 5, 6 in the morning.  Clearly that didn't work.  I thought maybe if he was exhausted he would sleep at night.  The next day I put a leash around my waist and made Rusty stay awake, and keep moving all day.  We were both exhausted by the end of the day!  Rusty was so tired I'd be moving his paws talking to him and his eyes would rolling back in pure exhaustion.  I thought I'd figured it out!  Surly he'd have to pass out asleep if he was too tired to stay awake while I was moving him.  I was wrong.  Again he tried digging out all night long and barked waking us up WAY too early in the morning.

It was at this point I was worried he would just not be ok without another dog.  I thought we might have to find another home for him with dog.  I thought about getting another dog, but Brent really didn't want to and I didn't either.  Finally I decided our last attempt would be to let him sleep in our room with us.  He did great!  We didn't really sleep because he snores like an 80 year old man, but Rusty did great.  After a few sleepless nights we closed our bedroom door and let him sleep in the hallway.  This seems to have worked.  He's not going potty in the house at night, or chewing on things, or barking, or destroying the house.  He also seems to have cheered up a little bit, and is more like his old self.  Although he does seem older, just a little more mopey.  I don't really know how to explain it but I think loosing Bosco aged Rusty.

We all miss Bosco, but life now seems to have found a new normal.

Off the Green

I took a photography class.  I've been interested in photography pretty much forever.  I've had a nice camera for a couple years.  It was long over due!  The class was on how to use your camera.  I learned a lot, but there is still a LOT more to learn.  I feel like I've learned just enough to be dangerous.  I know how to adjust the settings now, but don't always remember what they do, or how to fix them, or what settings I should use in what lighting, etc.  So I keep playing.  I'll get better I'm sure.  I'm just happy to be "off the green" (auto) most of the time!

Crab Shack Pool Party

I can't believe Croix is already over a year old!  Where did the time fly to?  The party was a blast!  We kept it small.  A few friends and family.  Croix had lots of fun.  It was perfect!

The Goodies

Life preserver cake

Crab cookies
The yellow ones on the bottom are sea shells, apparently I didn't get a good shot of them!

My firend had the perfect tray!  Shells, crabs, and lobsters.  Perfection!

The Swimming

The Grandmas
(My mom is SO not photogenic!)

The evolution of a Cannon Ball

Cake Time

He didn't quite know what to do.  Despite the fact that he had blown out a candle 3 times before his party, he did not blow out his candle.

He just looked at it, oh so intrigued.

Then dug in
Then he sucked on the cake for quite some time.

Then he finally came up for some air.
Then chowed down some more.
Then started sucking on the plate.

Then tried out a spoon.


He kept getting distracted by the car, he thought it was so cool.

He got some puzzels
And some books

And just what every boy needs, a big truck!

He also got a dump truck, some blocks, some clothes, a toy phone and lots and lots of love!

The Car

His Great Grandma Smith has a cool car.  Croix loved it.

As soon as he was done with presents he headed right back to the car.

He loved it!

So did Lexee

and Seth, he was so sad he had to share.
It was a great day!  The weather held out for us despite forecasted, and cloudy threatening rain.  Croix didn't have a single melt down and did great.  It was wonderful to celebrate Croix and his first year of life with family and friends.  I did have to realize in my mind I am a great party planner and have visions of wonderful things.  In reality that requires way to much time.  I think what did come to fruition was pretty great.  The crab cookies were my favorite that day.  A big thank you to my Mom and Sister Chelsea for helping out with the last minute preparations, if it wasn't for you I don't know if I could have pulled it off!

We are so grateful for Croix and the many ways he has enriched our lives in the past year.  He has taught us so much.  We love to watch him grow and discover his world!  We are so in love!