Table Hammock

A friend posted a picture of her girls in a table hammock and I thought it was the greatest idea!  Then I forgot about it.  Thankfully she posted another cute one on Instagram and reminded me of her brilliance!  She had used a woven baby wrap, my wrap is knit.  But a sheet is woven, and as a massage therapist I have about a thousand sheets.  So we made a table hammock.  It's been up on our table for a few days.

With blocking skills like this he should be in the NBA!

Big brother and her thumb and that little girl is happy!

I loved their little feet together!

We kind of love it.

I say we because the three of us have spent some quality time in there, reading books and snuggling.

I love the simple joys!

Thanksgiving

We went up to Prescott for Thanksgiving.  The kids did well on the drive.  It was most of my family's first time meeting Maizy.

We went to the  Prescott Resort to check out the gingerbread village.  It has a train that drives through it so Croix loved it.

Then we went outside and checked out the view.  Beautiful Thumb Butte.

Then we went to my Grandma and Grandpa Welker's for dinner.

Croix found a fun play place, underneath my Grandparent's deck.

Seth joined in the fun.  I love this shot with Seth, Croix, and Jon up top.

Jon had fun hanging out with his big cousins.

Croix loved all the dirt!

Then we all sat down to eat, although this was far from all the extended family.

This picture made me laugh.

Croix after playing in the dirt.

All boy right here!

Daddy helping him get cleaned up a little. His eyes here, melt me!

Aunt Chelsea and Maizy.

Then we played a little bocce ball.  Brent and I had never played before.  It was really fun!  There was one sad moment where someone had thrown a perfect ball, and Croix walked right in front of it! 

Then we enjoyed some pie. 

It made not breastfeeding, and being on the elimination diet easier to indulge in amazing food, especially desserts!  It was a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Long Day

* I started this post a while ago and had it in the drafts.
Today was a long day!  I babysat my friends three year old twins and one year old.  I don't think I need to say much more then that!  Five kids three and under made just two seem a whole lot easier that evening.  I was so thankful for that perspective.  I was thankful for the opportunity to serve.  I loved seeing my kids with hers, they get along great!!!

Some popsicles made for some happy kids!

And the TV was essential to make it through the day.

Prayer and Curse Words

Croix has not slept well at all the past few days.  I'm talking up until 9, awake several times at night, and up at 7 am.  Highly insufficient sleep for a 3 year old.  Insufficient sleep for this 30 year old!  Well today his over tiredness erupted into an entire day of misery for us all!

He woke up crying and threw fits and said no to just about everything from the moment he woke up until I drug him out of the house for preschool.  The whole time I was prepared to get a call from his teacher to come pick him up because he was just too horrible.  It never came.  I actually took a short nap while Maizy did, probably the only reason I survived the day.  After Maizy woke up we both showered for the first time in a few days.  I tried to clean up.  My friend I trade housekeeping with is coming tomorrow which means I need to have my whole house picked up and I still haven't completely unpacked from our trip, and it's been spring break we've been busy, the house is a disaster!  The kind of disaster that is overwhelming and I don't know where to start so you don't want to do anything.  But I have to have it cleaned up, so I just start with the bathroom, that's where she starts. 
I go get Croix from preschool, he seems pretty happy! I asked his teacher how he did and she said he did well.  I'm optimistic that it was just a rotten morning and the rest of the day will be  better!  I'm optimistic until I buckle him up, and he starts whaling that he doesn't want to leave yet.  He cried the entire four minute drive home.  I'm thankful we live close! But once we got home he continued to cry and scream and melt down for the next 90 minutes.  It was 90 minutes of him saying he wanted something, me getting it and then him screaming that he didn't want it.  Him saying yes, no, yes, no to everything.  And just crying because he "didn't want nothing".  While I was trying to get lunch and both of them were crying my sister called me.  Her good friend was headed to the hospital and was in need of someone to go be with her.  I just couldn't do it.  I told my sister if she couldn't find anyone else to let me know, but it really wasn't a good time.  I felt like a bad person for not being the person that drops everything to go help someone in need.  I went back to the room with my crying children and tried to calm them and coax hem to eat some lunch.  I was unsuccessful with Croix.  I did eat Maizy to eat a little.  Croix left the table and cried in the other room.  There were a few moments of quiet, but they were very short and far between.  I gave him hugs, ignored bad behavior that was just looking for attention, I prayed to know what to do to help him, I thought curse words in my head!  I did such a good job of staying calm and being loving and gentle and empathetic to my over tired son.  But it was so hard.  There were moments I wanted to scream some curse words at him.  I just chose to be a better Mom then that.  I never once raised my voice. 

Finally Maizy was ready for a nap. I tried putting her down while he was still up but his whaling made that impossible.  So I attempted to put him down for a desperately needed nap.  I tried to do our bedtime routine, he cried the whole time.  I closed his door and hoped and prayed he would just relax and go to sleep, or at the least calm down and read a book.  He did not.  He started pounding on the door and yelling underneath it.  I thought a few curse words.  I couldn't get Maizy to go down for a nap with all his noise.  She is now over tired and crying as well.  I turned on my never fail tv.  It failed me.  The magical tv failed me.  He didn't want to watch the show I had turned on.  I tried to get another one but he "Didn't want to watch nothing"  I called Brent and said I don't know what to do.  He tried talking to Croix, it did not help at all.  In fact when I hung up the phone the impossible happened and it made Croix even worse!  More curse words and prayers.  Brent text and suggested letting Croix water the grass.  He likes that and being outside.  I took him out, leaving Maizy to scream and cry inside.  He did not want to water the grass.  I went in and locked him outside.  I took Maizy to her room and fed her a bottle and prayed the cops wouldn't come knocking on my door because a neighbor had called them to see who was killing a child next door.  I cursed Maizy for taking so long to drink her bottle.  I prayed and prayed that Croix would not break the sliding glass door and end up with scars for the rest of his life from cutting himself.

After Maizy was down, more prayers.  A deep breath.  I let Croix in, scooped him up in a giant hug.  Calmed him down.  Then we went to his room.  I sat on his floor with him and prayed for him, with him.  I laid him down in his bed, gave him a massage.  Then I laid on the lovesac in his room afraid almost to even breath.   I calculated the hours until Brent came home.  I felt like a horrible parent.  I thought of my dear friend whose husband is out of town for weeks at a time and she has three small children. I text her to see when I could babysit so she could have some alone time because she doesn't get to check out when the husband gets home and surly she has days as bad as mine.  I spent a little more time feeling like an awful parent.

Maizy woke up and I prayed that Croix would continue to sleep when I got up to get her.  He did!  Maizy was her perfectly pleasant self.  She came and snuggled me.  Looked into my eyes and smiled.  She patted my face.  She made things all better.  It was just enough of a good Mommy moment to help me make it through the rest of the day.  It was so sweet.  After how hard the day had been with Croix it brought tears to my eyes to be loved by Maizy.

Croix woke up earlier then I had expected him to with how tired he was.  An hour and a half, that was it.  He was still grumpy when he woke up.  The rest of the afternoon was hard.  We made through until Brent came home.  I finished dinner.  Then went to do something.  I don't even remember what I did.  Just got out of the house.  While I was gone I thought of the dishes that needed done.  I called Brent to ask if he could unload the dishwasher so I could load it when I got home.  He already had.  Oh how I love that man!  He knew after a horrible day with the kids a little help would be greatly appreciated!   And it really truly was.  I so thankful he stepped in to help before I even asked.  It meant so much to me.

__________________________________________________________________________________

I started this post one day and am finishing it today.  As I was reading what I had already written and finishing writing this post I realized (especially after yesterday's post)  I've been spending too much time feeling bad about myself and thinking I'm doing a bad job!  It is so hard to be a Mom!  It is so hard to know what to do when nothing is working and everything seems to be wrong!  There are no instructions on how to be the perfect parent.  There are plenty of books that will tell me how, but a lot of them contradict each other.  I spent the day feeling like a bad Mom because Croix was being so awful and I couldn't figure out what to do to help him.  And I locked him out of the house.  And I wanted to scream some curse words.  Really I should have been celebrating every small victory.  Every time I chose to hug in rather than smack him.  Every time I took a deep breath and kept it together rather than screaming. Every moment that I chose to be a good Mom.  Because as I look back on that day I did a good job.  I set boundaries for him and myself.  I stayed calm.  I prayed.  I need to start doing a better job of thinking positively about myself, not thinking negatively about myself, recognizing the good things I do.  Maybe one day I'll be able to make it through really hard days like this without thinking swear words.  Maybe one day I will just think prayers but for right now it is really hard to be a Mom but I'm doing a good job!  I'm far from perfect, but I love my children and husband to the moon and back.  That is what I need to focus on, my successes!

Just for fun here is a video of my two lovely children in action.  This was not the same day as this post, but they day went pretty much the same.

Measuring My Worth

Croix has been sick again today.  He threw up the rest of the day after the baseball game yesterday, only a couple times but it was after every time he tried to eat.  He kept nothing down the entire day.  My poor little love.  This morning he kept down some pedialite and crackers and then spent ten minutes hugging the toilet dry heaving.

He said to me "Mommy come rest with me."  I couldn't say no to him, nor should I have.  I gave him some anti-nausea meds.  He finally managed to keep food down.  Then he started to feel a little better.  But spent most of the day on the floor or the couch or the chair.  Maizy is getting some teeth, top ones.  She is miserable.  She has not been able to go down for a nap easily and has woken in pain/discomfort.  I've had to spend extra time putting her down and snuggling her.  She's a little grumpy and needing entertained, and her brother can't do that today.  My children have needed me more today.

I had one real objective today, get the dishes done.  There's not too many dishes, but lots of pots and pans.  It's 9:15 and the dishwasher is still waiting for me to throw silverware in it and start it.  And none of the pots or pans have been touched.  After I got the kids put to bed (Brent has scouts Tuesdays nights) I was reading my scriptures and taking just a moment to rest.  I was feeling horrible about myself because I didn't get the dishes done.  It made me realize I measure my worth and accomplishments a lot on how clean my house is and how much housekeeping I get done.  Sure that is part of my role as wife and mother but really not the most important one.  So why is that the one I'm using to measure my productivity, worth, accomplishment for the day on?  It's not just today either.  Our laundry is still not completely caught up from vacation.  To be fair it was behind before we left.  We left with a giant pile of clean laundry on the couch needing folding and putting away.  There is now an even bigger pile.  Every time I see it I feel bad about myself.  I feel like I'm doing a bad job as wife and mother.  The day before my friend comes to do house keeping I spend most of the day feeling like crap and a failure and bad about myself.  Because I have to do a lot of cleaning up so she can come deep clean.  I was telling Brent about this and he asked "when did that start?"  I don't know.  But I don't like that it has. 

It is probably true what they say that kids will not remember their house being messy.  I think I have a hard time fully accepting that since I remember my house being dirty when I was a kid.  But I also have to remember that my Mom is a hoarder and it was beyond messy or bad.  I also do a lot with my kids and we do a lot as a family.  We go out of the house a lot.  I think when given the choice I will always choose making fun memories and doing something over doing the laundry or dishes.  I can also step out of my head and know that my house is not that bad.  There are probably a lot of people who's homes are at the same cleanliness level as mine.  But I don't think that is the real point or problem.  My worth, my value, my contribution and importance to my family is much more then housekeeping.  My worth as a woman and daughter of God is always immeasurable no matter what my house looks like.  I need to stop saying and thinking that I should do a better job at keeping my house clean and just do the best I can, be ok with that and continue to put my family and children and our memories and happiness as the top priority.  So much easier said then done but I'm going to try and stop that negative inner monolog.  It's a slippery slope to bad self esteem to start beating myself up all the time over something so insignificant in an eternal perspective.

Spring Traning Game

We've been planning on seeing a spring training game for a while.  Brent took the time off work, we had the tickets.  The big day was today.  Last night Croix threw up, a couple times.  And this morning, a couple times.  He had been pretty excited about the game.  I really wanted to go.  He rested all morning and clearly was not feeling well.  So we tried to sell the tickets.  We were unsuccessful.  So I was an awful parent and loaded my sick child in the car and drug him to a baseball game.  He and Maizy both slept on the way, a true testament that he was not feeling well.  We woke them both and got them out.  I didn't want Croix to have to walk in the sun.  We parked in the SRP (Brent's work) parking lot so we didn't have to pay for parking.  It was a bit of a walk so instead of putting Maizy in the wrap, I put Croix in.  Brent didn't think I could do it, but I did, no problem.  He rested his head on my chest, it was sweet.

As we were walking up he said "this town is really brown"  Yep we live in the desert.  The a minute later he said something was fantastic.  I love his vocabulary.  Croix just sat on our laps.

He wanted a snack so we got a pretzel, which he only ate two bites of.  Maizy had a great time.  She just looked at everything, and got a few fans herself.  I didn't think to bring a hat for her, but her flower was practically an umbrella right?

Once we got settled in I started looking for the sunscreen and couldn't find it.  Brent had pulled a bunch of "unnecessary" stuff out of the diaper bag and quite a few necessary items didn't make it back in, like Croix's crackers (thus the pretzel) and Maizy's snack and sunscreen.  I went to the shop to try and buy some.  I had Maizy with me.  The lady at the check out told me they were out of sunscreen, had just sold the last one.  Then she looked at Maizy and asked, is it for her?  I said yes, her and my 3 year old and myself.  She pulled out her purse dug through it a minute and handed me a small sunscreen!  Perfect.  She didn't ask me to pay her, so kind.  I gave her a couple dollars anyway!  She saved us from some serous burns!

 We had some great seats!

After about an hour Croix said he wanted to go home.  So we packed up. Before we left I wanted to get a picture of all of us.  I was using the front camera on my phone (I really need to start using my real camera again!  These crappy cell phone pictures documenting our lives and killing me!).  A kind lady asked if we'd like her to take a picture for us.  She took two!  I didn't even think to check if they turned out ok because really it's not that hard to take a picture on a cell phone, and she took two.  This was the better of the two.

 

I'm thankful for her kindness, but I should have just done it myself!  Despite Croix being sick it was fun.  We'll have to try it again another time when we're all feeling 100%

Wonderful Sabath

I always love the beach loose curl look for hair.  I've tried many times to achieve this, and have never been successful.  Finally today I was successful.  It was not what I wanted, but at least it did not look bad like it always has in the past.  I felt  pretty \when I left the house.  Which honestly as a stay at home Mom with no real reason to "get ready" for the day that rarely ever happens.

I loved church today.  Sacrament was so good!  The speakers spoke to my spirit, things I needed to hear.  Not only that but they shared testimony in the most simple, powerful, unapologetic way.  I spoke in church last week and I wish they had spoken before me.  Hearing their testimonies strengthened mine.  Hearing them talk about how they have learned strengthened me.  Hearing them testify of gospel truths strengthened me.  For some reason while preparing my talk I felt like sharing those things would come off as boasting.  I don't know exactly why.  One of the speakers spoke of the importance of Family Home Evening, family prayer, and family scripture study.  As he spoke not of the importance of those things but of their necessity I felt the spirit confirm the truthfulness of his words.  I feel more determined to put more emphasis on those things in our lives and our home.

Then in primary the lesson was just good. To hear the kids in their small ways share their testimonies, and to see how firmly they believe was awesome.  There was no doubt as we discussed the Gospel  The faith of children is amazing.

Then in relief society the discussion was just fantastic.  Such a great lesson.  I shared an experience which hadn't seemed like a big deal at the time but as I shared it the power of it hit me and I want to write it down.  

I have a friend who is also LDS and a strong feminist.  She shared a link to a blog on facebook of LDS feminist. I consider myself to be a feminist so I went to check it out.  I went to it and read the post.  It made me think, made me wonder, made me doubt.  I wanted to devour what she was saying.  I wanted to research it. Wanted to discuss it with other women I know.  Then just as strongly as I had wanted to do that I felt, almost heard, that doing so would be dangerous.  That it could potentially hurt my testimony.  I made the decision, after a little prayer, to just let it go.  And I wish I could say I have not gone to the site again since, but I did once.  Because it was getting talked about a lot and I wanted to know what all the fuss was about.  But I have not subscribed I do not follow it because to me it does not strengthen my testimony, it does not bring the light of Christ into my life.  It does the opposite.  During our lesson as I was sharing this experience and I was relating it to the lesson I testified about how no matter how strong my testimony may be, testimonies are always fragile.  And we should protect them, strengthen them and make conscious decisions to not allow those things into our life that can dim, weaken and ultimately break them.

Even with how strongly I had felt that perusing that blog would be damaging and dangerous to me it was not an easy thing for me to just let it go.  I'm not a blind believer.  I want to know details and research and know things for myself.  I feel that is where faith comes into play.  Sometimes it is a hard concept/principle for me to fully digest and accept.  Sometimes I can feel like putting my trust in the Lord and having faith in hard things is really just blind ignorance.  But when I do exercise faith I feel the weight of doubt lifted.  I feel comfort.  I feel strengthened in my testimony.  Yesterday I read The Enabling Power of the Atonment.  It talks about how the atonement enables us to do things beyond our own ability.   I am thankful for that enabling power that helps me to have faith in hard things.

Then as Croix and I were driving home he was telling me about his primary lesson.  It was about Jonas and the whale.  He told me how Jonas prayed to Jesus and then he was saved.  I said to him.  Isn't that wonderful!  Isn't it so great to know that we can pray to Jesus and he will hear and answer our prayers.  I felt the spirit so strongly as I taught my son about prayer.  I was momentarily overwhelmed with the tremendous responsibility being his mother is.  What I teach him is so important, his very soul depends on my example and my ability to teach him the things he needs to weather the wicked storms that are waiting for him.  I just pray that I can do the things I need to to prepare him sufficiently.

Preschool Halloween

Croix had a Halloween party at preschool.  It was absolutely adorable seeing all the kids in their costumes.  They recited a little poem, which Croix remembered very well.  Then we (the parents) got to help them with their craft which was making a skeleton.   Maizy did really well and hung out in the wrap the whole time.

Reciting their poem

The whole gang, minus Madalyn (from left to right, Cread, Croix, Ryan, (random visitor that day) Devin, Brigg, Justin)

Showing off skeletons

Maizy's Seventh and Eight Months

Here are some of my favorite photos of Maizy's seventh month.  She was still not crawling at seven months old.  She had been so content to just roll where she wanted to go.  She finally started crawling at eight months.  Almost at the same time she started pulling herself up to standing.   She continues to be a happy baby.  Still just has two teeth.  She is enjoying new sold foods and does really well eating them.  She grunts instead of laughing.  She's enamored with her big brother.  She our perfect little princess.