Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Prayer and Curse Words

Croix has not slept well at all the past few days.  I'm talking up until 9, awake several times at night, and up at 7 am.  Highly insufficient sleep for a 3 year old.  Insufficient sleep for this 30 year old!  Well today his over tiredness erupted into an entire day of misery for us all!

He woke up crying and threw fits and said no to just about everything from the moment he woke up until I drug him out of the house for preschool.  The whole time I was prepared to get a call from his teacher to come pick him up because he was just too horrible.  It never came.  I actually took a short nap while Maizy did, probably the only reason I survived the day.  After Maizy woke up we both showered for the first time in a few days.  I tried to clean up.  My friend I trade housekeeping with is coming tomorrow which means I need to have my whole house picked up and I still haven't completely unpacked from our trip, and it's been spring break we've been busy, the house is a disaster!  The kind of disaster that is overwhelming and I don't know where to start so you don't want to do anything.  But I have to have it cleaned up, so I just start with the bathroom, that's where she starts. 
I go get Croix from preschool, he seems pretty happy! I asked his teacher how he did and she said he did well.  I'm optimistic that it was just a rotten morning and the rest of the day will be  better!  I'm optimistic until I buckle him up, and he starts whaling that he doesn't want to leave yet.  He cried the entire four minute drive home.  I'm thankful we live close! But once we got home he continued to cry and scream and melt down for the next 90 minutes.  It was 90 minutes of him saying he wanted something, me getting it and then him screaming that he didn't want it.  Him saying yes, no, yes, no to everything.  And just crying because he "didn't want nothing".  While I was trying to get lunch and both of them were crying my sister called me.  Her good friend was headed to the hospital and was in need of someone to go be with her.  I just couldn't do it.  I told my sister if she couldn't find anyone else to let me know, but it really wasn't a good time.  I felt like a bad person for not being the person that drops everything to go help someone in need.  I went back to the room with my crying children and tried to calm them and coax hem to eat some lunch.  I was unsuccessful with Croix.  I did eat Maizy to eat a little.  Croix left the table and cried in the other room.  There were a few moments of quiet, but they were very short and far between.  I gave him hugs, ignored bad behavior that was just looking for attention, I prayed to know what to do to help him, I thought curse words in my head!  I did such a good job of staying calm and being loving and gentle and empathetic to my over tired son.  But it was so hard.  There were moments I wanted to scream some curse words at him.  I just chose to be a better Mom then that.  I never once raised my voice. 

Finally Maizy was ready for a nap. I tried putting her down while he was still up but his whaling made that impossible.  So I attempted to put him down for a desperately needed nap.  I tried to do our bedtime routine, he cried the whole time.  I closed his door and hoped and prayed he would just relax and go to sleep, or at the least calm down and read a book.  He did not.  He started pounding on the door and yelling underneath it.  I thought a few curse words.  I couldn't get Maizy to go down for a nap with all his noise.  She is now over tired and crying as well.  I turned on my never fail tv.  It failed me.  The magical tv failed me.  He didn't want to watch the show I had turned on.  I tried to get another one but he "Didn't want to watch nothing"  I called Brent and said I don't know what to do.  He tried talking to Croix, it did not help at all.  In fact when I hung up the phone the impossible happened and it made Croix even worse!  More curse words and prayers.  Brent text and suggested letting Croix water the grass.  He likes that and being outside.  I took him out, leaving Maizy to scream and cry inside.  He did not want to water the grass.  I went in and locked him outside.  I took Maizy to her room and fed her a bottle and prayed the cops wouldn't come knocking on my door because a neighbor had called them to see who was killing a child next door.  I cursed Maizy for taking so long to drink her bottle.  I prayed and prayed that Croix would not break the sliding glass door and end up with scars for the rest of his life from cutting himself.

After Maizy was down, more prayers.  A deep breath.  I let Croix in, scooped him up in a giant hug.  Calmed him down.  Then we went to his room.  I sat on his floor with him and prayed for him, with him.  I laid him down in his bed, gave him a massage.  Then I laid on the lovesac in his room afraid almost to even breath.   I calculated the hours until Brent came home.  I felt like a horrible parent.  I thought of my dear friend whose husband is out of town for weeks at a time and she has three small children. I text her to see when I could babysit so she could have some alone time because she doesn't get to check out when the husband gets home and surly she has days as bad as mine.  I spent a little more time feeling like an awful parent.

Maizy woke up and I prayed that Croix would continue to sleep when I got up to get her.  He did!  Maizy was her perfectly pleasant self.  She came and snuggled me.  Looked into my eyes and smiled.  She patted my face.  She made things all better.  It was just enough of a good Mommy moment to help me make it through the rest of the day.  It was so sweet.  After how hard the day had been with Croix it brought tears to my eyes to be loved by Maizy.

Croix woke up earlier then I had expected him to with how tired he was.  An hour and a half, that was it.  He was still grumpy when he woke up.  The rest of the afternoon was hard.  We made through until Brent came home.  I finished dinner.  Then went to do something.  I don't even remember what I did.  Just got out of the house.  While I was gone I thought of the dishes that needed done.  I called Brent to ask if he could unload the dishwasher so I could load it when I got home.  He already had.  Oh how I love that man!  He knew after a horrible day with the kids a little help would be greatly appreciated!   And it really truly was.  I so thankful he stepped in to help before I even asked.  It meant so much to me.


I started this post one day and am finishing it today.  As I was reading what I had already written and finishing writing this post I realized (especially after yesterday's post)  I've been spending too much time feeling bad about myself and thinking I'm doing a bad job!  It is so hard to be a Mom!  It is so hard to know what to do when nothing is working and everything seems to be wrong!  There are no instructions on how to be the perfect parent.  There are plenty of books that will tell me how, but a lot of them contradict each other.  I spent the day feeling like a bad Mom because Croix was being so awful and I couldn't figure out what to do to help him.  And I locked him out of the house.  And I wanted to scream some curse words.  Really I should have been celebrating every small victory.  Every time I chose to hug in rather than smack him.  Every time I took a deep breath and kept it together rather than screaming. Every moment that I chose to be a good Mom.  Because as I look back on that day I did a good job.  I set boundaries for him and myself.  I stayed calm.  I prayed.  I need to start doing a better job of thinking positively about myself, not thinking negatively about myself, recognizing the good things I do.  Maybe one day I'll be able to make it through really hard days like this without thinking swear words.  Maybe one day I will just think prayers but for right now it is really hard to be a Mom but I'm doing a good job!  I'm far from perfect, but I love my children and husband to the moon and back.  That is what I need to focus on, my successes!

Just for fun here is a video of my two lovely children in action.  This was not the same day as this post, but they day went pretty much the same.

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