Croix has not slept well at all the past few days. I'm talking up until 9, awake several times at night, and up at 7 am. Highly insufficient sleep for a 3 year old. Insufficient sleep for this 30 year old! Well today his over tiredness erupted into an entire day of misery for us all!
He woke up crying and threw fits and said no to just about everything from
the moment he woke up until I drug him out of the house for preschool. The whole time I was prepared to get a call
from his teacher to come pick him up because he was just too horrible. It never came. I actually took a short nap while Maizy did,
probably the only reason I survived the day.
After Maizy woke up we both showered for the first time in a few
days. I tried to clean up. My friend I trade housekeeping with is coming
tomorrow which means I need to have my whole house picked up and I still
haven't completely unpacked from our trip, and it's been spring break we've
been busy, the house is a disaster! The
kind of disaster that is overwhelming and I don't know where to start so you
don't want to do anything. But I have to
have it cleaned up, so I just start with the bathroom, that's where she starts.
I go get Croix from preschool, he seems pretty happy! I asked his teacher
how he did and she said he did well. I'm
optimistic that it was just a rotten morning and the rest of the day will be better!
I'm optimistic until I buckle him up, and he starts whaling that he
doesn't want to leave yet. He cried the
entire four minute drive home. I'm
thankful we live close! But once we got home he continued to cry and scream and
melt down for the next 90 minutes. It was 90 minutes of him saying he
wanted something, me getting it and then him screaming that he didn't want
it. Him saying yes, no, yes, no to everything. And just crying
because he "didn't want nothing". While I was trying to get
lunch and both of them were crying my sister called me. Her good friend was headed to the hospital
and was in need of someone to go be with her.
I just couldn't do it. I told my
sister if she couldn't find anyone else to let me know, but it really wasn't a
good time. I felt like a bad person for
not being the person that drops everything to go help someone in need. I went back to the room with my crying
children and tried to calm them and coax hem to eat some lunch. I was unsuccessful with Croix. I did eat Maizy to eat a little. Croix left the table and cried in the other
room. There were a few moments of quiet,
but they were very short and far between. I gave him hugs, ignored bad
behavior that was just looking for attention, I prayed to know what to do to
help him, I thought curse words in my head!
I did such a good job of staying calm and being loving and gentle and
empathetic to my over tired son. But it was so hard. There were
moments I wanted to scream some curse words at him. I just chose to be a
better Mom then that. I never once raised my voice.
Finally Maizy was ready for a nap. I tried putting her down while he was
still up but his whaling made that impossible. So I attempted to put him
down for a desperately needed nap. I tried to do our bedtime routine, he
cried the whole time. I closed his door and hoped and prayed he would
just relax and go to sleep, or at the least calm down and read a book. He
did not. He started pounding on the door and yelling underneath it.
I thought a few curse words. I couldn't get Maizy to go down for a nap
with all his noise. She is now over tired and crying as well. I
turned on my never fail tv. It failed me. The magical tv failed
me. He didn't want to watch the show I had turned on. I tried to
get another one but he "Didn't want to watch nothing" I called
Brent and said I don't know what to do. He tried talking to Croix, it did
not help at all. In fact when I hung up the phone the impossible happened
and it made Croix even worse! More curse words and prayers. Brent
text and suggested letting Croix water the grass. He likes that and being
outside. I took him out, leaving Maizy to scream and cry inside. He
did not want to water the grass. I went in and locked him outside.
I took Maizy to her room and fed her a bottle and prayed the cops wouldn't come
knocking on my door because a neighbor had called them to see who was killing a
child next door. I cursed Maizy for taking so long to drink her
bottle. I prayed and prayed that Croix would not break the sliding glass
door and end up with scars for the rest of his life from cutting himself.
After Maizy was down, more prayers. A deep breath. I let Croix
in, scooped him up in a giant hug. Calmed him down. Then we went to
his room. I sat on his floor with him and prayed for him, with him.
I laid him down in his bed, gave him a massage. Then I laid on the
lovesac in his room afraid almost to even breath. I calculated the
hours until Brent came home. I felt like a horrible parent. I
thought of my dear friend whose husband is out of town for weeks at a time and
she has three small children. I text her to see when I could babysit so she
could have some alone time because she doesn't get to check out when the
husband gets home and surly she has days as bad as mine. I spent a little
more time feeling like an awful parent.
Maizy woke up and I prayed that Croix would continue to sleep when I got up
to get her. He did! Maizy was her perfectly pleasant self. She came and snuggled me. Looked into my eyes and smiled. She patted my face. She made things all better. It was just enough of a good Mommy moment to
help me make it through the rest of the day.
It was so sweet. After how hard
the day had been with Croix it brought tears to my eyes to be loved by Maizy.
Croix woke up earlier then I had expected him to with how tired he was. An hour and a half, that was it. He was still grumpy when he woke up. The rest of the afternoon was hard. We made through until Brent came home. I finished dinner. Then went to do something. I don't even remember what I did. Just got out of the house. While I was gone I thought of the dishes that
needed done. I called Brent to ask if he
could unload the dishwasher so I could load it when I got home. He already had. Oh how I love that man! He knew after a horrible day with the kids a
little help would be greatly appreciated!
And it really truly was. I so
thankful he stepped in to help before I even asked. It meant so much to me.
I started this post one day and am finishing it today. As I was reading what I had already written
and finishing writing this post I realized (especially after yesterday's
post) I've been spending too much time
feeling bad about myself and thinking I'm doing a bad job! It is so hard to be a Mom! It is so hard to know what to do when nothing
is working and everything seems to be wrong!
There are no instructions on how to be the perfect parent. There are plenty of books that will tell me
how, but a lot of them contradict each other.
I spent the day feeling like a bad Mom because Croix was being so awful
and I couldn't figure out what to do to help him. And I locked him out of the house. And I wanted to scream some curse words. Really I should have been celebrating every
small victory. Every time I chose to hug
in rather than smack him. Every time I
took a deep breath and kept it together rather than screaming. Every moment
that I chose to be a good Mom. Because
as I look back on that day I did a good job.
I set boundaries for him and myself.
I stayed calm. I prayed. I need to start doing a better job of
thinking positively about myself, not thinking negatively about myself,
recognizing the good things I do. Maybe one day I'll be able to make it through really hard days like this without thinking swear words. Maybe one day I will just think prayers but for right now it is
really hard to be a Mom but I'm doing a good job! I'm far from perfect, but I love my children
and husband to the moon and back. That
is what I need to focus on, my successes!
Just for fun here is a video of my two lovely children in action. This was not the same day as this post, but they day went pretty much the same.