Sunday, July 29, 2012

Friday

I wrote this on Friday, it's now Sunday.  After two days of sleeping in, getting good naps, and having Brent here to help out I'm feeling good again.  Now to start the week all over again.  Hopefully I won't be feeling quite so overwhelmed again by next Friday!

It's Friday which means I'm exhausted and weepy and about to fall apart. Why does Friday mean this? Because its been five days since I've gotten a nap by Friday. A week of newborn sleep and no rest in between and I'm a mess. Although this week has been better, two nights this week I got to sleep for five solid hours. And one day I even got a nap.
I feel so overwhelmed. And the fact that I feel so overwhelmed with just two kids makes me feel like a big baby. People do this (have 2 kids, or more) all the time and they seem just fine. I on the other hand am barely keeping my head above water. I feel like feeding, changing, burping, soothing and comforting Maizy is a full time job. Meaning it is enough to keep me busy and exhausted. That leaves hardly any time for Croix. I feel like I've not only abandoned him but that he's also lot his old Mom. In her place I've become this mean Mom who yells all the time. I have no patience for him. I honesty cannot say if his behavior has gotten worse because of the adjustment or if I'm just so tired that he seems so much worse. I feel like all I do is yell (that's right yell) at him or put him in time out or threaten him with spankings which he still doesn't listen to so then he gets a spanking and I don't even like to spank. That's not the kind of Mom I want to be. So then I spent most of my day feeling like a horrible mother and a bad person because I'm so awful to my child. I feel even more like crap when he still wants to come and snuggle me, tells me he loves me, or is just his sweet self. Then I just think poor Croix deserves so much better than this. And I feel guilty for being so awful.
I feel like having two kids, one being a newborn with food allergies who is fussy and demands so much the other a naughty toddler who demands so much, means I can't enjoy either of them the way I want to. I remember enjoying Croix so much more then I have Maizy. And I spend so much time frustrated with Croix there's none left for enjoying his sweet self. Instead I'm just in zombie survival mode trying to just make it through the day.
I know this won't last forever. I know Maizy's tummy will heal and she won't be as fussy. I know I will get sleep again. I hope Croix won't remember when his mommy was so awful. I know eventually Maizy won't need to eat so often and I'll have a little more time for other things.  I just wish I could remember this when I'm so tired and frustrated.

2 comments:

Artsy Aut said...

I know Im going to be in the same boat in a few weeks! Im sure you are doing better than you feel like you are. Hang in there! Time will work it all out!

Emily Kleyn said...

I'm one of the crazies with four ankle biters running a-muck & it isn't what you wanna hear, but it does get easier. You get sleep. They forget you yelled. And, eventually, you forget this whole stage even happened. I swear.
I think the fact that you even are thinking of this stuff makes you THE BEST MOM there is. You're doing a fabulous job. You can do it. I know you can.
:-D