It's Friday which means I'm exhausted and weepy and about to fall apart. Why does Friday mean this? Because its been five days since I've gotten a nap by Friday. A week of newborn sleep and no rest in between and I'm a mess. Although this week has been better, two nights this week I got to sleep for five solid hours. And one day I even got a nap.
I feel so overwhelmed. And the fact that I feel so overwhelmed with just two kids makes me feel like a big baby. People do this (have 2 kids, or more) all the time and they seem just fine. I on the other hand am barely keeping my head above water. I feel like feeding, changing, burping, soothing and comforting Maizy is a full time job. Meaning it is enough to keep me busy and exhausted. That leaves hardly any time for Croix. I feel like I've not only abandoned him but that he's also lot his old Mom. In her place I've become this mean Mom who yells all the time. I have no patience for him. I honesty cannot say if his behavior has gotten worse because of the adjustment or if I'm just so tired that he seems so much worse. I feel like all I do is yell (that's right yell) at him or put him in time out or threaten him with spankings which he still doesn't listen to so then he gets a spanking and I don't even like to spank. That's not the kind of Mom I want to be. So then I spent most of my day feeling like a horrible mother and a bad person because I'm so awful to my child. I feel even more like crap when he still wants to come and snuggle me, tells me he loves me, or is just his sweet self. Then I just think poor Croix deserves so much better than this. And I feel guilty for being so awful.
I feel like having two kids, one being a newborn with food allergies who is fussy and demands so much the other a naughty toddler who demands so much, means I can't enjoy either of them the way I want to. I remember enjoying Croix so much more then I have Maizy. And I spend so much time frustrated with Croix there's none left for enjoying his sweet self. Instead I'm just in zombie survival mode trying to just make it through the day.
I know this won't last forever. I know Maizy's tummy will heal and she won't be as fussy. I know I will get sleep again. I hope Croix won't remember when his mommy was so awful. I know eventually Maizy won't need to eat so often and I'll have a little more time for other things. I just wish I could remember this when I'm so tired and frustrated.