Kisses

Maizy gave me kisses for the first time on Sunday.  I was sitting on the floor against the couch, she was standing up against the couch.  She walked along the couch to me and leaned over toward me with her mouth wide open.  I gave her a kiss and she beamed!  And then repeated it!  Tonight she was giving me kisses over and over.  I love this age so much!  And man I love our little miss Maizy!

Standing

Maizy has been standing on her own. She pulls up on something throws her arms in the air and squeals. Now if I stand her up in the middle of the room she'll stay up for a while. Walking probably isn't too far off. I want her to stay my baby forever!!

Single Mom's

To all single Mom's, or Mom's who's husbands work, or are away on Sunday I salute you!  WOW!  Maizy was still not doing well today, threw up as we buckled her in her car seat.  So Brent stayed home while I took Croix and Chance (we're babysitting him this weekend) to church.  It's amazing how much harder it feels being by yourself.  They actually didn't do too bad, it was just more stressful.  Brent started throwing up tonight too.  I'm actually happy about that!  Maybe Maizy just has a flu bug!!!  Maybe just maybe it was entirely coincidental that she ate blueberries for the first time!  We can hope!  On that note, I better go text my friends to not come over tomorrow for my 30th birthday party do over.  :(  I guess it's just not meant to be.

Blueberries

We gave Maizy blueberries for the first time yesterday.  Berries are pretty high on the common allergen list.  She has done well with strawberries so I thought she'd do fine with blueberries as well.  Not the case.  She loved eating them, ate almost half the container.  Probably should have controlled how much she had a little better since it was her first time eating them.   She woke up vomiting at 1.  In the middle of the night I wasn't even thinking about her having a new food, I didn't even turn on the light.  I just wiped her off took out her pillow and blanket and moved her to the other end of her crib.  Then she threw up again, so I turned on the light and it looked like there was blood with blood clots all over her crib.  Talk about panic mode.  I frantically tried to figure out what she had eaten that was red.....thankfully it didn't take us long to figure out it was blueberries.  After a little while of her vomiting we check good old Google about infant blueberry allergies.  Turns out they can be fatal.  I call the GI specialist and spoke with the on-call Dr.  He was not helpful at all.  I just wanted to know, if she's breathing fine now and just vomiting will she be ok or do we need to be very concerned.  He basically told me he couldn't see her so he doesn't know.  I asked again how concerned we needed to be and he told me if I was concerned enough to be calling him at this hour to take her to the ER.  Not helpful dude.  So I call half a dozen people trying to fine anyone who will answer their phone at 2am.  Finally get a hold of the relief society president (have I mentioned how glad I am to not have that calling!) and she came over.  We left before she got here.  By time we got to the ER she had stopped vomiting.  Everything was fine.  We were only there an hour.

 Maizy was miserable the rest of the night.  I tried so many things to help her be more comfortable but the only thing that worked was her in just a diaper and me topless and her in the wrap.  Then she finally slept but not peacefully.  She woke and cried every little while.  I couldn't sit in our recliner, it would make her cry.  So finally at 6:30 Brent took over.  I slept till about 10.  It's been a long day.  She's still been upset and not her normal self.  You can tell her tummy still hurts.  She has vomited a few more times this morning also.  I'm so glad she seems to be doing better this evening.  I cannot even think too much about how lucky we are.  If she had experienced a more server reaction and stopped breathing we may not have known until the next morning.  I cannot imagine the heart ache of loosing a child.  I've prayed many prayers of gratitude today that we still have our sweet Maizy with us.  I was so thankful to be up with her all night!  Thankful she was still here to keep me awake!

Whew

Long day today! I babysat my friends four month old little boy from 7-3 and another friends little boy from 1-430. I had two 3 year olds and two 0 year olds. We all survived no worse for the wear. Croix is way too tired! I let him go with Brent to scouts on Tuesday and he of course didn't get to sleep until well after bed time. He's so grumpy and tired. I'm praying he sleeps in tomorrow! There were lots of cute moments today, Croix is such a sweet little boy! I love him to pieces! Maizy is becoming quite the climber. We went to the pool, all 5 of us (don't worry I'm not totally insane that's where we met one boy and his mom, then she left. little before us). She was using the lounge chair like a ladder and just scaling up it!  I thought maybe she wouldn't be as bad a climber as Croix was since she started climbing so much later then he did but maybe not. Only time will tell. I'm going to sleep now, I'm exhausted!

Special Day

A couple weeks ago Brent asked if he could do a Daddy/Croix day and I could do a Mommy/ Maizy day. Of course I liked that idea. Our special day was yesterday. 

Brent and Croix took the train to the stadium. 

Croix loved riding the train. Brent said he just looked out the window the whole way.

They had nice seats.

They got a pretzel to share.

Some older people behind them gave Croix a sucker.

The Diamondbacks won the game although they only made it to the third inning before Croix couldn't stay in his seat any more.

Maizy and I took a nap for our special day. It was pretty fantastic! We just hung out talked and played. It was fun to have one on one time with her.

Right as Maizy and I were getting ready to leave for Joanns the boys got home. So they decided to come with us. Thankfully though they went to another store while I spent way too long debating which fabric I wanted to get.

After Joanns we went to Costco for dinner.  

Then to a new frozen yogurt shop. 

After the yogurt shop we stopped at my uncle Forrest's to pick something up.  It had been a while since we've seen them. It was really nice to chat and catch up a bit. His youngest son is only 9 months older then Croix. They ended up snuggled up watching Mickey Mouse. It was pretty adorable!

 Made me think we should get them together more often!

It was a great day!

Coping

Although my OBGYN had suggested it I waited forever to make an appointment with a councilor about my PPD.   I don't feel it is circumstantial so I didn't really see how talking to a councilor would be beneficial.  I didn't really think I needed to talk through something to be happy, so why would talking to someone help?  I'm so glad I finally decided to talk to someone!  This is the third time in my life I've talked to a councilor.  First was when I was 18, then again when I was pregnant with Croix because I couldn't get over the fear I wouldn't be able to break the cycle of abuse and I would hurt my child.  It was terrifying to me.  Both of those times I knew what I needed to work through.  This time I didn't.  I have depression but what do I talk about?  Thankfully my councilor is quite professional and knew what I needed to talk about.  Here are some things I have learned.

We are not our thoughts.  Everyone has thousands of thoughts a day some are happy, sad, morbid, weird, funny, but there are thousands that just come into our heads.
We can think of our brain like a thought factory.  Our thoughts go past us like a product on a  conveghor belt.  We can let the ones you don't want go right on by.  You don't have to hold onto them.  You don't have to attach yourself to them.  Just let them go right by you.  You hold onto the ones you want the ones you like, that make you happy and help you be a better person.  Some thoughts may come by more then once and that's ok too.  I may hear in my head that I'm a failure 100 times a day.  But I can let that thought go 100 times!

The wellness challenge has been great for me to be aware of doing good things in my life.  I want to implement this in a helpful way after the challenge is over probably in the form of a daily to do list.  Just 4-5 things I need/want to do that day.  I like the satisfaction of marking things off and seeing my success on a chart!


We've talked about guilt because I feel guilty pretty often.  I need to ask myself is the guilt reasonable?   Or am I being too hard on myself?  And be honest as I answer that question.  For me guilt leads to self hatred feeling like a failure.  Those feelings are not good.  So I need to avoid feeling unnecessarily guilty.  One thing I've been working on is not feeling guilty about letting Croix watch a show in the afternoon during Maizy's nap.  He won't nap anymore and doesn't stay in his room quietly.  He rarely watches tv any other time during the day.  I need a break every one gets breaks at a job.  And being a Mom is a job, a hard one.  A break helps me to be a better Mom.  So I've been letting go of the guilt of "plugging Croix into the tv"  And I'm not feeling guilty about what I do on my break.  If I just veg out on the computer that's ok, because it's my break.  It doesn't have to be productive.  I'm also too hard on myself.  I need to establish more reasonable expectations. 


We've talked about anger.  Anger is a normal healthy emotion.  Feeling angry is not bad. What I need to measure is what I do with it.  As long as I'm not lashing out, it's ok.  I don't want to be angry all the time, or stay angry but it is ok to feel angry.  This is also related to the guilt.  I feel guilty for being angry.  Part of the reason I feel guilty about being angry is because anger to me is equated with being out of control.  When my parents would get angry they would loose control.  So in my head it feels like if I'm angry with my children I should feel bad because that is bad, dangerous, hurtful.  We talked about how anger is a secondary emotion.  I already knew this but it was good to be reminded.  Anger masks other feelings.  If I'm mad at Croix really I'm just frustrated (usually).  If I'm mad at Brent I'm hurt or disappointed (usually).   So I need to take a moment and ask, what is really going on, why am I feeling angry.  Try and find the root.  This will help me to have a healthy response to the situation, and anger.

I'm so glad there are educated professionals to help me be a better person, and feel better.  All this is so much easier to talk about then implement but even the small efforts have made a big difference.

Call The Midwife

Somehow I missed that season two started again!  Now I've got to catch up.  I love a good clean entertaining show!

Monday

I really dislike Mondays.  The house is always in post weekend disaster mode.  Sigh. It's a trade off, we do fun things rather then spending all day Saturday cleaning up.  So I spend all day Monday cleaning up.  Our ant problem has greatly improved.  Thank you Facebook for the magical borax ant killer.  Yesterday I did a super easy hair do, and it turned out awesome.  I love when something looks complicated but really is so easy!  It makes resisting the urge to chop it off a little easier. 

Last week I went to the half price book store and picked up some new work out DVDs.  i tried a new one today and was laughing so hard I couldn't even do it.  Oh man.  It is basically 30 minutes of different ways to roll on the floor.  It was too funny.  Croix and I had fun rolling on the floor.  He's a good workout buddy.  He likes to get under me when I'm doing pushups or lunges or squats so I touch him.  He giggles every time.

I had no idea what to do for dinner tonight.  I found some hamburger in the freezer.  Threw it in the crock pot.  Turns out there are not really any crock pot recipes where you just throw hamburger in they all say to cook it first.  It cooked fine though.  Even with hamburger cooking I still didn't know what it was going to be.  I had a visiting teaching appointment at 4:30 so I threw in some left over balsamic green beans from last nights dinner and some egg noodles.  I then checked online to see if egg noodles cooked in the crock pot and if so how long they would take!  Well my crock pot mystery/leftover dinner ended up being pretty tasty.  Surprise!

For FHE we went to cold stone to use my coupon for my birthday.  I thought they would be able to use it through my smart phone but no.  So no coupon, guess we'll have to go back next week! 

Saturday

Saturday was such a busy day!  We started out heading to fountain hills.  I have a friend who just started doing laser hair removal and her office was doing free sessions!  Since I have a beard that I'm dying to take care of I was all over that!  Did you know when you get laser hair removal done it smells like burning hair.  Makes sense, but never thought about it.  While I was getting my chin zapped by a powerful laser my little family was over at the park.  I walked over and met them when I was done.  It was a beautiful morning!  the fountain Hills park has a splash pad.  We didn't know that and came unprepared.....and Croix found it irresistible.

 So we ended up being the trashy people who's kids were in underwear/a diaper.

  Oh well, it happens. 

The fountain went off and was awesome!

We fed the ducks, they were quite brave.

The kids had a blast and we enjoyed the park too.


We came home I put Maizy down for a nap and grabbed a quick bite and dashed back out the door.  I went to my counseling appointment.  Then I headed to the chiropractor to have him get rid of the headache I'd had for days.  He did!

We came home and turned around and headed to the church for a baptism.  It was really nice.  Croix did not want to sit still.  He doesn't in church either.  We're going to have to start practicing church or something!

After the baptism we came home and I got everything ready for a photography session.  Helped prep dinner and had a quick PJ&J.

Went and did a lovely session.

Came home to hear from Brent "So I was cooking dinner and I heard Maizy screaming.  I went in Croix's room and he's holding Maizy by her feet swinging her back and forth".  Joys of a big brother?  I ate some delicious dinner, my husband is multi talented!

After getting the kids down I worked on editing a few photos and then crashed!

Back Yard Splash Pad

A while ago I did a little dumpster diving.  Not exactly.  I drove past a pool cover on top of someone's garbage.  I thought it would be perfect for our patio during the summer under a pool.  Turns out I was right!  It is perfect!  We were pretty bored yesterday afternoon.  So we took a milk jug with some holes.  A bunch of kitchen utensils, bowls and other things, I also brought out my baby bath and filled it up.  Who needs a pool!

Cheesy smiles!

Big boy in a little bowl.

Two kids in a baby bath.

Of course he ended up naked.

I think we'll end up hanging out like this a lot.  How many times have I said that I love having a back yard and a patio!

PPD

PPD is also known as Postpartum Depression. It is something I'm becoming all too familiar with, unfortunately. This post has taken me a long time to write. It has taken me a long time to get the courage to write, and a long time to figure out how to put into words this silent affliction. I hate this post. And all too often I find I hate myself.

Did you know anger is a symptom of depression? I didn't until about five months ago. I didn't even think about that, even though I had been so angry for months.  It wasn't until after I thought "Man wouldn't it be nice if the world really did end at the end of 2012!?! Then I wouldn't have to deal with everything anymore" that I thought maybe I was depressed.  That thought passed through my mind as I sat in my rocker feeding Maizy. That was the first time I really let myself think that I might have PPD.  I think I knew long before that, but for some reason I was in denial.  After all, three different health care professionals had already asked me if I thought I had PPD.  Every time I said no, I'm just tired, or stressed.  But I the back of my mind I though, yeah probably.  Why in the far reaches of my mind I thought yes, but no followed by an excuse came out of my mouth is beyond me.  I wish I'd said yes the very first time someone asked me, when Maizy was only 6 weeks old.  Instead I suffered, and my family suffered for four more months.

Even after I thought about how everything would be easier if everything ended I still did not fully admit to myself that I was depressed.  It took a week of that thought itching in my mind for me to consult good old Dr. Google.  As I typed in the search bar "is anger a symptom of..." it guess bipolar disorder.  My heart about stopped.  My Dad is bipolar.  I was terrified.  Part of me wanted to click on that, but I was too scared and I continued typing depression.  I was amazed to find out that anger IS a symptom of depression.  I thought about my childhood with a father who has a mental disorder.  I thought about my children.  I called my OBGYN and made an appointment for the next day. 

After a few days I worked up the courage to Google bipolar disorder.  The relief was palpable as only symptom of bipolar I seemed to have was anger.  I do know mental disorder is no more my fault then the fact I had gestational diabetes, or  how others have heart problems.  And in that sense there is no difference between bipolar and depression.  But I do think managing bipolar would be more difficult then depression.  It is also more of a life long battle where as  depression can be worked through and over come.  It made me thankful to "just have" depression.

I've experienced depression before, at 18 after I moved out, escaped the abuse.  I sought help with a councilor and my bishop.  The atonement is real and healed my broken heart and spirit.  After I weaned Croix I had a bit of depression.  Exercise, eating right and doing good things for myself kicked it pretty efficiently.  Neither of those times had I been angry.  The intensity of my anger scared me. I am not exaggerating when I say everything Brent did or did not do made me angry.  I was angry with the kids all the time.  How and why I was angry with my newborn, my infant is beyond me but I was.  There were moments I just wanted to throw her across the room.  And my sweet Croix I literally pictured beating him.  And then I hated myself.  I prayed he would not remember when I turned into a monster.  I prayed and still do pray that those six months of unmediated depression have not scared him for life.  Have not put a scratch in his trust for me.  I felt nothing but anger all the time.  I was angry with everyone, especially myself.

As I was thinking about my upcoming Doctors appointment I wanted to talk to someone who had experienced PPD and gotten on medication for it.  I could only think of one person I knew for sure had.  Another friend I though probably had and felt comfortable enough asking her.  She had.  Two people that's it.  I was grateful I was not completely alone but of all my friends in the world I could only think of two people who had been on antidepressants.  Not that I'm saying the whole world should be on anti depressants but I wondered if there really were only that few people that I knew.

As I sat and told the  doctor about my depression, got a prescription and left I did not feel hopeful.  I did not feel relief.  I thought I would have, but I did not. 

Christmas Eve I took my first little blue pill.  I laughed that it really was a little blue pill.  It took a while, a couple weeks before I felt like I started to notice a difference.  About six weeks before I started to feel a little  more like myself.
I felt, and at times still feel so alone.  When I was depressed after Croix I turned to Brent, and found the love and support I needed.  It's hard to turn to someone for love and support when you are constantly mad at them.  I felt ashamed of my feelings of anger which makes it hard to turn to friends.  The shame led to more self hate.  It's very easy for me to have negative, self defeating self talk.  That's what I grew up with inside my head so it's familiar and easy to go there again.  I worked very hard years ago to overcome those thought cycles and successfully built a good sense of self esteem and self worth.  I gradually came to love myself as an invaluable daughter of Heavenly Parents.  I became a confidant, happy, outgoing woman.  Depression has taken those attributes away from me.  I no longer feel like the person I was.  I miss the person I was.  I miss the mother I was, the wife, the friend.  I miss me.  After talking to a good friend with depression I have come to realize that is a blessing.  At least I know what it's like to be happy, and normal.  Some people don't have that to remember who they are, not who the disease is, the depression.

I'm so thankful for my Wellness Challenge.  There are days I feel like it's the only thing helping me keep my head above water.  Being "forced" to do things that are good for me and helpful in fighting depressing is just what I needed.  Reading my scriptures, exercising, eating right, doing things for myself. 

I don't think my depression is circumstantial, meaning I don't think if Brent were nicer, my kids were better behaved, my house was bigger, we had more money, if something in my life were different I wouldn't be depressed.  My life is wonderful!  I love my life.  I really feel it is entirely caused by hormonal and chemical imbalances.  After being on antidepressants four months and still not feeling like myself I decided that although my depression is not circumstantial perhaps I would do what the doctor suggested and talk to a councilor as well.  I'm hopeful that will help.  Although I do not feel this over whelming anger any more I still find myself unjustifiably angry.  I still feel completely overwhelmed.  I still have days I hate myself and feel like a failure.  I still feel sad.  I'm not one to sit around and wallow in my misery.  I'm a doer, I'm proactive.  I'll do whatever it takes to find myself again.  I think at this point the hard part is going to be being patient with myself knowing that depressing, hormonal, chemical depression is not always something you can just fix.  I just have to wait for my body to find homeostasis again.  It will.  I will feel like myself again.  It just the in between time that's going to be hard.  Thankfully I'm not alone, I have Brent, and my Savior, and some good friends.

Preschool Graduation

Croix's preschool graduation was today.  I said some prayers and they were answered!  I was deferentially not feeling well, but I made it through with only dashing to the bathroom once!  I wasn't about to miss this because of a stomach bug!  I don't think Croix really understands what graduating means.  I'm pretty sure he'll be asking to go to preschool on Thursday.  I'll have to be more diligent about teaching him things again.  I've slacked off since he's been in preschool and let Miss Chelsea take over the teaching!  Miss Chelsea has been a wonderful teacher!  Croix has learned lots and loves her so much.  He's made great friends that I'm sure he will miss.

I love his little smile here as they are all getting lined up

Graduating class of 2013! Ha!

Singing a song. Actually he just stood there while everyone else sang the songs.

Getting his deploma

barefoot!

Thank you Miss Chelsesa

After they enjoyed ice cream sundays

Croix really enjoyed his!

Maizy made a new friend, the swapped things to chew on.

He was the last one to enjoy it! Miss Chelsea said he was the same way with snacks, the last one to leave the table and eats every crumb....promise I feed my child!

Our cute little family

Gino's Pizza for lunch to celebrate, Croix's choice. I enjoyed a cup of water since I'm not feeling well

Maizy enjoyed some Kix

Giant slice is as big as his head!

We sure are proud of our little man! He's such a joy and so smart too! Below is a video of him receiving his diploma.