Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Monday, May 27, 2013
Maizy has been standing on her own. She pulls up on something throws her arms in the air and squeals. Now if I stand her up in the middle of the room she'll stay up for a while. Walking probably isn't too far off. I want her to stay my baby forever!!
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Maizy was miserable the rest of the night. I tried so many things to help her be more comfortable but the only thing that worked was her in just a diaper and me topless and her in the wrap. Then she finally slept but not peacefully. She woke and cried every little while. I couldn't sit in our recliner, it would make her cry. So finally at 6:30 Brent took over. I slept till about 10. It's been a long day. She's still been upset and not her normal self. You can tell her tummy still hurts. She has vomited a few more times this morning also. I'm so glad she seems to be doing better this evening. I cannot even think too much about how lucky we are. If she had experienced a more server reaction and stopped breathing we may not have known until the next morning. I cannot imagine the heart ache of loosing a child. I've prayed many prayers of gratitude today that we still have our sweet Maizy with us. I was so thankful to be up with her all night! Thankful she was still here to keep me awake!
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Long day today! I babysat my friends four month old little boy from 7-3 and another friends little boy from 1-430. I had two 3 year olds and two 0 year olds. We all survived no worse for the wear. Croix is way too tired! I let him go with Brent to scouts on Tuesday and he of course didn't get to sleep until well after bed time. He's so grumpy and tired. I'm praying he sleeps in tomorrow! There were lots of cute moments today, Croix is such a sweet little boy! I love him to pieces! Maizy is becoming quite the climber. We went to the pool, all 5 of us (don't worry I'm not totally insane that's where we met one boy and his mom, then she left. little before us). She was using the lounge chair like a ladder and just scaling up it! I thought maybe she wouldn't be as bad a climber as Croix was since she started climbing so much later then he did but maybe not. Only time will tell. I'm going to sleep now, I'm exhausted!
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
We are not our thoughts. Everyone has thousands of thoughts a day some are happy, sad, morbid, weird, funny, but there are thousands that just come into our heads.
We can think of our brain like a thought factory. Our thoughts go past us like a product on a conveghor belt. We can let the ones you don't want go right on by. You don't have to hold onto them. You don't have to attach yourself to them. Just let them go right by you. You hold onto the ones you want the ones you like, that make you happy and help you be a better person. Some thoughts may come by more then once and that's ok too. I may hear in my head that I'm a failure 100 times a day. But I can let that thought go 100 times!
The wellness challenge has been great for me to be aware of doing good things in my life. I want to implement this in a helpful way after the challenge is over probably in the form of a daily to do list. Just 4-5 things I need/want to do that day. I like the satisfaction of marking things off and seeing my success on a chart!
We've talked about guilt because I feel guilty pretty often. I need to ask myself is the guilt reasonable? Or am I being too hard on myself? And be honest as I answer that question. For me guilt leads to self hatred feeling like a failure. Those feelings are not good. So I need to avoid feeling unnecessarily guilty. One thing I've been working on is not feeling guilty about letting Croix watch a show in the afternoon during Maizy's nap. He won't nap anymore and doesn't stay in his room quietly. He rarely watches tv any other time during the day. I need a break every one gets breaks at a job. And being a Mom is a job, a hard one. A break helps me to be a better Mom. So I've been letting go of the guilt of "plugging Croix into the tv" And I'm not feeling guilty about what I do on my break. If I just veg out on the computer that's ok, because it's my break. It doesn't have to be productive. I'm also too hard on myself. I need to establish more reasonable expectations.
We've talked about anger. Anger is a normal healthy emotion. Feeling angry is not bad. What I need to measure is what I do with it. As long as I'm not lashing out, it's ok. I don't want to be angry all the time, or stay angry but it is ok to feel angry. This is also related to the guilt. I feel guilty for being angry. Part of the reason I feel guilty about being angry is because anger to me is equated with being out of control. When my parents would get angry they would loose control. So in my head it feels like if I'm angry with my children I should feel bad because that is bad, dangerous, hurtful. We talked about how anger is a secondary emotion. I already knew this but it was good to be reminded. Anger masks other feelings. If I'm mad at Croix really I'm just frustrated (usually). If I'm mad at Brent I'm hurt or disappointed (usually). So I need to take a moment and ask, what is really going on, why am I feeling angry. Try and find the root. This will help me to have a healthy response to the situation, and anger.
I'm so glad there are educated professionals to help me be a better person, and feel better. All this is so much easier to talk about then implement but even the small efforts have made a big difference.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
Last week I went to the half price book store and picked up some new work out DVDs. i tried a new one today and was laughing so hard I couldn't even do it. Oh man. It is basically 30 minutes of different ways to roll on the floor. It was too funny. Croix and I had fun rolling on the floor. He's a good workout buddy. He likes to get under me when I'm doing pushups or lunges or squats so I touch him. He giggles every time.
I had no idea what to do for dinner tonight. I found some hamburger in the freezer. Threw it in the crock pot. Turns out there are not really any crock pot recipes where you just throw hamburger in they all say to cook it first. It cooked fine though. Even with hamburger cooking I still didn't know what it was going to be. I had a visiting teaching appointment at 4:30 so I threw in some left over balsamic green beans from last nights dinner and some egg noodles. I then checked online to see if egg noodles cooked in the crock pot and if so how long they would take! Well my crock pot mystery/leftover dinner ended up being pretty tasty. Surprise!
For FHE we went to cold stone to use my coupon for my birthday. I thought they would be able to use it through my smart phone but no. So no coupon, guess we'll have to go back next week!
The kids had a blast and we enjoyed the park too.
We came home I put Maizy down for a nap and grabbed a quick bite and dashed back out the door. I went to my counseling appointment. Then I headed to the chiropractor to have him get rid of the headache I'd had for days. He did!
We came home and turned around and headed to the church for a baptism. It was really nice. Croix did not want to sit still. He doesn't in church either. We're going to have to start practicing church or something!
After the baptism we came home and I got everything ready for a photography session. Helped prep dinner and had a quick PJ&J.
Went and did a lovely session.
Came home to hear from Brent "So I was cooking dinner and I heard Maizy screaming. I went in Croix's room and he's holding Maizy by her feet swinging her back and forth". Joys of a big brother? I ate some delicious dinner, my husband is multi talented!
After getting the kids down I worked on editing a few photos and then crashed!
Friday, May 17, 2013
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Did you know anger is a symptom of depression? I didn't until about five months ago. I didn't even think about that, even though I had been so angry for months. It wasn't until after I thought "Man wouldn't it be nice if the world really did end at the end of 2012!?! Then I wouldn't have to deal with everything anymore" that I thought maybe I was depressed. That thought passed through my mind as I sat in my rocker feeding Maizy. That was the first time I really let myself think that I might have PPD. I think I knew long before that, but for some reason I was in denial. After all, three different health care professionals had already asked me if I thought I had PPD. Every time I said no, I'm just tired, or stressed. But I the back of my mind I though, yeah probably. Why in the far reaches of my mind I thought yes, but no followed by an excuse came out of my mouth is beyond me. I wish I'd said yes the very first time someone asked me, when Maizy was only 6 weeks old. Instead I suffered, and my family suffered for four more months.
Even after I thought about how everything would be easier if everything ended I still did not fully admit to myself that I was depressed. It took a week of that thought itching in my mind for me to consult good old Dr. Google. As I typed in the search bar "is anger a symptom of..." it guess bipolar disorder. My heart about stopped. My Dad is bipolar. I was terrified. Part of me wanted to click on that, but I was too scared and I continued typing depression. I was amazed to find out that anger IS a symptom of depression. I thought about my childhood with a father who has a mental disorder. I thought about my children. I called my OBGYN and made an appointment for the next day.
After a few days I worked up the courage to Google bipolar disorder. The relief was palpable as only symptom of bipolar I seemed to have was anger. I do know mental disorder is no more my fault then the fact I had gestational diabetes, or how others have heart problems. And in that sense there is no difference between bipolar and depression. But I do think managing bipolar would be more difficult then depression. It is also more of a life long battle where as depression can be worked through and over come. It made me thankful to "just have" depression.
I've experienced depression before, at 18 after I moved out, escaped the abuse. I sought help with a councilor and my bishop. The atonement is real and healed my broken heart and spirit. After I weaned Croix I had a bit of depression. Exercise, eating right and doing good things for myself kicked it pretty efficiently. Neither of those times had I been angry. The intensity of my anger scared me. I am not exaggerating when I say everything Brent did or did not do made me angry. I was angry with the kids all the time. How and why I was angry with my newborn, my infant is beyond me but I was. There were moments I just wanted to throw her across the room. And my sweet Croix I literally pictured beating him. And then I hated myself. I prayed he would not remember when I turned into a monster. I prayed and still do pray that those six months of unmediated depression have not scared him for life. Have not put a scratch in his trust for me. I felt nothing but anger all the time. I was angry with everyone, especially myself.
As I was thinking about my upcoming Doctors appointment I wanted to talk to someone who had experienced PPD and gotten on medication for it. I could only think of one person I knew for sure had. Another friend I though probably had and felt comfortable enough asking her. She had. Two people that's it. I was grateful I was not completely alone but of all my friends in the world I could only think of two people who had been on antidepressants. Not that I'm saying the whole world should be on anti depressants but I wondered if there really were only that few people that I knew.
As I sat and told the doctor about my depression, got a prescription and left I did not feel hopeful. I did not feel relief. I thought I would have, but I did not.
Christmas Eve I took my first little blue pill. I laughed that it really was a little blue pill. It took a while, a couple weeks before I felt like I started to notice a difference. About six weeks before I started to feel a little more like myself.
I felt, and at times still feel so alone. When I was depressed after Croix I turned to Brent, and found the love and support I needed. It's hard to turn to someone for love and support when you are constantly mad at them. I felt ashamed of my feelings of anger which makes it hard to turn to friends. The shame led to more self hate. It's very easy for me to have negative, self defeating self talk. That's what I grew up with inside my head so it's familiar and easy to go there again. I worked very hard years ago to overcome those thought cycles and successfully built a good sense of self esteem and self worth. I gradually came to love myself as an invaluable daughter of Heavenly Parents. I became a confidant, happy, outgoing woman. Depression has taken those attributes away from me. I no longer feel like the person I was. I miss the person I was. I miss the mother I was, the wife, the friend. I miss me. After talking to a good friend with depression I have come to realize that is a blessing. At least I know what it's like to be happy, and normal. Some people don't have that to remember who they are, not who the disease is, the depression.
I'm so thankful for my Wellness Challenge. There are days I feel like it's the only thing helping me keep my head above water. Being "forced" to do things that are good for me and helpful in fighting depressing is just what I needed. Reading my scriptures, exercising, eating right, doing things for myself.
I don't think my depression is circumstantial, meaning I don't think if Brent were nicer, my kids were better behaved, my house was bigger, we had more money, if something in my life were different I wouldn't be depressed. My life is wonderful! I love my life. I really feel it is entirely caused by hormonal and chemical imbalances. After being on antidepressants four months and still not feeling like myself I decided that although my depression is not circumstantial perhaps I would do what the doctor suggested and talk to a councilor as well. I'm hopeful that will help. Although I do not feel this over whelming anger any more I still find myself unjustifiably angry. I still feel completely overwhelmed. I still have days I hate myself and feel like a failure. I still feel sad. I'm not one to sit around and wallow in my misery. I'm a doer, I'm proactive. I'll do whatever it takes to find myself again. I think at this point the hard part is going to be being patient with myself knowing that depressing, hormonal, chemical depression is not always something you can just fix. I just have to wait for my body to find homeostasis again. It will. I will feel like myself again. It just the in between time that's going to be hard. Thankfully I'm not alone, I have Brent, and my Savior, and some good friends.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
We sure are proud of our little man! He's such a joy and so smart too! Below is a video of him receiving his diploma.